I don’t know what to say. Damn, I woke up and I felt like this automatically. I don’t love myself. I hate myself. I’ve fucked everything up somehow. I can’t do anything right, I’m ugly, and I”m fat. I always thought that guys would like me more because I am the way I am. I play video games all the time. I’m not girly. I like the color pink, and I like makeup, etc., but I love hunting, and I want to be a vet when I’m older. I’m pretty smart, I guess. I take Pre-AP classes, and I’ve kept all A’s all year, every year that I’ve gone to school. I’ve been accepted to take the ACT, at age 13. All my teachers think I’m very, very smart, and so do my parents. You’ll have to tell Emily that, though. I can’t say anything to her. I have to hide everything. I can tell my friend Jamie anything in the world. I even told her when I was cutting myself, and she tried to help me. But Emily? No. She would most likely shun me. My best friend Dawson, whom I’ve mentioned before, doesn’t know that I cut. I don’t know if I could tell him. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him. I just realized something. There are some guys that I think like me. But when I tried to mention it to Emily, she said that she found it hard to believe. She can’t stand for me to be happy. I’ve been so upset about her that I had a dream last night in which I told her to leave me alone, and that I was sick of the way she treated me. Then, she decided to piss me off. She went to my little sister (For some reason, we were in my house), and started hitting her. I literally went insane. I ran over to her, pinned her down, and started screaming in her face. Then, my mom walked by after I had let Emily go. She tripped her and tried to push her down. I stood up, and started just beating the fuck out of Emily. And she couldn’t do anything. I was too fast for her. It felt nice to finally have control over my life. But it was just a dream. In real life, I’m lost and don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just put a ton of black clothes and makeup on, and then go to school like that. Maybe everybody will shun me and leave me alone. I think that would be nice. Of course, they might stay away, but I know all of those bitches would find something to ***** about. I don’t get it. Why do they talk about me? There’s nothing wrong with me! Maybe I’m ugly, maybe I’m fat, but other than that? Nothing is wrong with me. Those bitches don’t know me, anyway. And guess what? That’s their fault. Same with all the guys that gave me one look and a goodbye. That’s all on them. I actually think that aside from my looks, I have a wonderful personality. Sure, one little thing can make me furious, but it happens when you have as much anger inside as I do. But you know what’s really sad? Even saying this, I almost feel like I’m lying to myself. I tried to make things better. Last night, I found hope. I saw the light. I could taste the sun. But it didn’t last. I bawled my eyes out when I realized that I had lost hope, again. I had actually thought that I was pretty. I thought that maybe I could use a few situps, but I wasn’t fat. I do think I’m pretty, though. Wow. Looking in the mirror, there IS absolutely nothing wrong with me. Sadly, though, my face always looks like I’ve got the wrong shade of foundation on. My face is tanner than my neck, so it looks like I’m wearing makeup even though I’m not. Haha. Oh well. Who gives a fuck? Honestly, who does? Why should all these other girls make an impact on my decisions? They don’t matter. All that matters is me. Maybe I will make it through. I do see the light again. And it’s so beautiful.