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I Feel Empty

by TrumpetChick99

I don’t know what to say. Damn, I woke up and I felt like this automatically. I don’t love myself. I hate myself. I’ve fucked everything up somehow. I can’t do anything right, I’m ugly, and I”m fat. I always thought that guys would like me more because I am the way I am. I play video games all the time. I’m not girly. I like the color pink, and I like makeup, etc., but I love hunting, and I want to be a vet when I’m older. I’m pretty smart, I guess. I take Pre-AP classes, and I’ve kept all A’s all year, every year that I’ve gone to school. I’ve been accepted to take the ACT, at age 13. All my teachers think I’m very, very smart, and so do my parents. You’ll have to tell Emily that, though. I can’t say anything to her. I have to hide everything. I can tell my friend Jamie anything in the world. I even told her when I was cutting myself, and she tried to help me. But Emily? No. She would most likely shun me. My best friend Dawson, whom I’ve mentioned before, doesn’t know that I cut. I don’t know if I could tell him. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him. I just realized something. There are some guys that I think like me. But when I tried to mention it to Emily, she said that she found it hard to believe. She can’t stand for me to be happy. I’ve been so upset about her that I had a dream last night in which I told her to leave me alone, and that I was sick of the way she treated me. Then, she decided to piss me off. She went to my little sister (For some reason, we were in my house), and started hitting her. I literally went insane. I ran over to her, pinned her down, and started screaming in her face. Then, my mom walked by after I had let Emily go. She tripped her and tried to push her down. I stood up, and started just beating the fuck out of Emily. And she couldn’t do anything. I was too fast for her. It felt nice to finally have control over my life. But it was just a dream. In real life, I’m lost and don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just put a ton of black clothes and makeup on, and then go to school like that. Maybe everybody will shun me and leave me alone. I think that would be nice. Of course, they might stay away, but I know all of those bitches would find something to ***** about. I don’t get it. Why do they talk about me? There’s nothing wrong with me! Maybe I’m ugly, maybe I’m fat, but other than that? Nothing is wrong with me. Those bitches don’t know me, anyway. And guess what? That’s their fault. Same with all the guys that gave me one look and a goodbye. That’s all on them. I actually think that aside from my looks, I have a wonderful personality. Sure, one little thing can make me furious, but it happens when you have as much anger inside as I do. But you know what’s really sad? Even saying this, I almost feel like I’m lying to myself. I tried to make things better. Last night, I found hope. I saw the light. I could taste the sun. But it didn’t last. I bawled my eyes out when I realized that I had lost hope, again. I had actually thought that I was pretty. I thought that maybe I could use a few situps, but I wasn’t fat. I do think I’m pretty, though. Wow. Looking in the mirror, there IS absolutely nothing wrong with me. Sadly, though, my face always looks like I’ve got the wrong shade of foundation on. My face is tanner than my neck, so it looks like I’m wearing makeup even though I’m not. Haha. Oh well. Who gives a fuck? Honestly, who does? Why should all these other girls make an impact on my decisions? They don’t matter. All that matters is me. Maybe I will make it through. I do see the light again. And it’s so beautiful.

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4 comments

one_day 2/3/2013 - 9:54 am

I think you should distance yourself from Emily. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship

RuinsOfTheVoid 2/3/2013 - 10:21 am

“I do see the light again. And it’s so beautiful.” Is it the light or your reflection that is beautiful? or both? 🙂

It does sound like you should drop that bit*h Emily, she is nothing but bad for you. Surround your self with close friends even it is only one or two people.

Stay strong Chick99.

Oh and I give a fuck 🙂

Hofnii 2/3/2013 - 12:23 pm

Try looking at it like this, 9 years is a really short time. 9 years?????? That’s 2/3’s of a lifetime for gods sake!!!!! Sure, but in 9 years you can be graduating from college, perhaps earlier. In 9 years, it will only be 3/7’s of a lifetime, less than 1/2. Get the idea? 9 years is about 1/7th of my lifetime.

About the time you’re graduating from college you won’t even remember these people’s names. I looked up a guy who was a real tight friend in my childhood, he died of throat cancer a couple of years ago. Great big, mafia style funeral, he told me his dad had gotten his business from Jimmy Hoffa himself! When was the last time I saw this guy? Over 40 years ago.

You say you’re a good student, then you must read quite well. Just on my say so, read a title called To The Lighthouse, by Virginia Wolfe. It was a reading assignment in college and my intention was to keep up, so I sat down to read 75 pages, which was to be about a week’s worth. I read the whole thing in a single sitting, it took 9 or 10 hours, and was impossible to put down after about 50 pages. It will give you some insight that might be real useful to you at this time. Even if you don’t get any special insight out of it, it will impress the hell out of your teachers, but I think it will change your life. I really do.

If the library doesn’t have a copy, ask the librarian to get a copy for you on inter library loan. It might take a couple of days, but they can get you anything. AND, it’s a great read, I think. Besides, haven’t you ever wondered who Virginia Wolfe was? Well, she was a college professor, and a writer. A novelist.

cocoblair 2/3/2013 - 2:04 pm

Emily sounds like a ***** and a half. And not a fun one, just a straight up evil *****.
When friends dont want to see you happy and say stuff like : I doubt that he likes you, that just means that they feel threatened by you and are jealous. Why would someone try to take away your power if you dont have any, u get me?

Next time someone hits on you or you get a good grade or something, don’t just tell Emily, rub it in the bitches face. It’s not about what you say, its about how you say it. If you go up to telling her that some guy showed interest in you while looking down, without confidence and uncertainty, she’ll see that in you and therefor use it against you. I wouldnt tell her you cut yourself, cuz she sounds like she would tell people. Everytime she says something negative just think : FUCK HER. And say it over and over in your head until she shuts up.

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