I just can’t get it right

An apex of happiness exists, but that point is far beyond my grasp. Every little hunk of happiness I have ever experienced has either been broken down or snatched away from me. I can’t keep it together, its just not within my ability. This world you have constructed wasn’t meant for people like me. I fall into a niche and all that happens to us is misery. We are the people who’s company you enjoy, but also the people you take advantage of, and the very same people you scoff at simultaneously. My relationships fall apart and I finally understand why: I don’t deserve any of you, you can all do better, and I’m a hollow, empty excuse of a man. I make you laugh and I make you smile but I can’t handle this role without your appreciation. I’ve lived it my whole life and it has not brought me any long lasting happiness or sense of being. The only way I can gain your appreciation and some merit is to leave you. They say you only have 15 minutes; well, I’m taking mine. I’ve experienced your presence but you have yet to embrace me with your warmth. I stand with my back facing an accumulation of laughter, pain, and cruelty. What lies before me is a stark pool of mystery. This pool is possibly nothingness or a new life. A state of consciousness that could reward me with more fulfillment than I can imagine. The pool is what I’ve been looking for my entire life, and I feel like taking the plunge.