I wish I could

Thanks for sharing your words expressed so wonderfully.

I had a similar list and what I learned was that it was the list itself, the wishing and hoping that was at root of much of my pain.
Wishing and hoping turns out is actually waiting for something to change without actually changing anything.
When we hope we too often take ourselves out of the moment were actually in and project ourselves into a future fantasy or past if only. The result is that we miss any opportunity the moment were in might actually be present.
When we hope, wishful magical thinking, things that aren’t possible, expectations that were not working towards, regret which is hope to change the past, we close our eyes to what is possible.

To hope well is a skill. When you hope you set an intention and then prepare. To hope this way moves from being passive to being active. Eyes wide open.
Hope is as a tiger watching his prey, muscles tense, ready to spring when the moment is right.

I have problems hoping skillful. What I found that has worked is to stop using the word. I do not hope and surprisingly that has not lead not to despair but a kind of freedom.
All those expectations and wishes on how I wanted life to be were really getting in my way!

When I was capable of examining my list of hopes turns out most of the things I hoped for weren’t really well defined so wouldn’t have noticed even if they arrived.

I trust you will find your own way through.