I wonder what it’s like to feel whole.

I’m the youngest of seven kids. The baby, the brat, the drama queen, the outcast.. you name it, they’ve called me it. Everybody says it’s just because they’re my older siblings and they’re suppose to tease me, but this goes beyond that. They’ve hurt me physically, emotionally, verbally.. Once again, you name it, they’ve done it. I worshiped the ground my second oldest brother walked on. He was my hero and my idol. He spit in my face when his girlfriend came along. He left me with my drug addict mother who let her boyfriend and her ‘customers’ do whatever they wanted to me. She knew, and she did nothing.  He knew, and he looked away. I find myself asking why i’m not good enough for anybody, or what’s wrong with me that my own siblings can’t even love me. What is so fucking bad about me.. I’m goal oriented. I try to do my best in school, and support them, and call them everyday. But none of them bother to call me, or to check on me, or see how im feeling or support me with my dreams. They just seem to push me down and kick me. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been feeling so alone lately. It’s the worst feeling in the world, and if you’ve felt it, then you know. It’s not easy. It’s awful and it’s consuming because it brings you completely down – belly to floor. And the worst part is? They don’t even care. When I try to tell them, they ignore me. Now I only talk to them if I call them (Which most of the time, I have to call them more than 3 times, or they won’t answer) or if I go see them. I don’t know how to feel whole because your family is supposed to be apart of you…right? I don’t know how to make them love me. Maybe it’s just me.