im already dead inside.

I cant take it anymore. I miss the old me..you know that happy one. That tiny with the actual happy smiles. The real smiles. Im so tired and i cant even find something i like anymore. i could say i want to get better. I’ve tried, many times. But the only time i feel happy is when im with one of my friends…well used to be friend. He helped me through everything. Yet, i pushed him away. He never gave up. ever. he probably still has hope for some reason im scared to be with him. My girlfriends wo i barely tell anything to has been very distant from me. Im not sure why she scating that way but what can i except….just look at me. So lost. Ive been thinking about suicide for the past three days and i cant stop to think about it. I want to be gone for a while. Not talk to anyone or even see anyone..i want to run away, feel free. Happy. i feel like ill never be good enough at anything. Ive stopped making art, because of the lack of trying. I sit there just thinking about how theres nothing interesting about me. I want to just scratch every partof my body. I hate my body, my face, my personality, everything about me. Ive been hiding the cuts ive been doing for the past two months. I had stopped for about three months, sadly im back to it. ive falling into the dark hole again and this time theres no one who can stop me.