There seems to be a common theme when I get messages or responses from people on some of my posts. I would like to address those now.
1. “Time will heal”(or any variation of that): My answer is this, it has been over 10 years for me. I hurt like it is day 1. My heart has not healed, in fact, it is very much an open, gaping wound. Every where I go I see her. I feel her, I sense her… it isn’t going away. Time is only making it harder on me. If it was getting better, if I was truly on the path to healing, I would not be here.  I would not have those fights within myself of wether or not to grab the gun now or later.
2. “You will love again”. Now this has proven somewhat true. However, it has only proven to be true to a certain point. I have loved 1 other woman besides the one that I yearn for. I just couldn’t love her like I the other. She paid a price and I ended up pushing her away. I do miss her, but I do not have that urge for her. I can do without her.
3. “You (the responders) know what I am going through”. I’m gonna call bullshit on that one right out of the gate. If you had any clue, any inclination of my hurt, you would support what is the inevitable. You do not understand just as I do not understand anyone elses hurt here. I read, I try to feel a connection to it, however, I am different. I hurt in my own way. I fight MY demons. I hear MY thoughts. My heart beats only for ONE person, not everyone. So, please… stop.
4. “I should talk to someone”. This might be a surprise to some, but I have. Extensively. I refuse medication because the side effects are more horrible than the fights I have internally. I can fight. I have and I continue. I know I will be consumed sometime in my near future. However, I fight.
5. “No woman is worth it”. To those that have said that to me, I’m sorry you have not loved like I have loved. I’m sorry you are empty. I’m sorry that you think more of yourself than to give yourself whole heartedly to someone. If you had, possibly, you would know me. Possibly.
There have been a couple others, but these are the majority. I’m sorry, but I am truly at my wits end. I’m exhausted… mentally, emotionally and physically. I beat myself up, I listen to sad songs, I drink, I feel no empathy towards anything… I am vacant. I serve no purpose at this point in my life. I have regressed to living back in my parents basement. I am no one. Everything I do will be recorded. I want others to learn from my mistakes. I will post… somewhere if possible. Again, I am sorry. I will continue to post until the end draws near. And, when that fateful day happens, I will notify all of you. Honestly, I have had more responses from readers than my own family and friends. For that, I thank you all.
9 comments
Lovely post, but you sound ignorant in 3 and 5.
In response to 3: You do not know us. You do not know our pain. Your pain is derived from not having the woman you have your heart set on? Some pf OUR pain comes from years of abuse, from shocking events in life that would destroy the normal human. We do not know the full extent of your pain, likewise you know not our pain. Please for both our sakes respect that we might know the amout of pain you’re in but from different causes.
In response to 5: because we wont kill ourselves in response to not having the one we want? Well some of us have loved, we are not empty. Do not, I repeate do mot think to KNOW if we have loved as much as you love this woman. Maybe we did and we actually realized a sole person does not define the rest of our lives. We learned to seek new love. Please, we know you are in pain, but we are not ignorant people. Forgive me if im blunt but i do not look kindly on those who pretend to know the pain of others. Ciao
AtTheEnd… what I was saying in 3 is that everyone’s pain is different. The way I hurt from what happened is different from what someone else may feel. Like snowflakes, we are all different. That is all. I’m not saying my pain is any greater/lesser than anyone else’s here. I feel differently about things than, say you do. We are 2 different people. The only thing is, is that I do not want people to say they understand. No one here knows me. They do not know what I have been through, how I feel and do not see me on a daily basis. We are different. That is all I meant. And on 5, I didn’t say anyone should kill themselves. I am simply stating that the way I loved this person is different. You even brought it up yourself. You have no idea and I have no idea about you. However, the people that have bothered to message me think that women/men just come and go and you should be able to just find another and carry on. It’s not like that. And I never said I knew anyones pain. I can’t even figure myself out. Be blunt… I can dig that. Thanks for the response. Adios
I don’t feel like arguing with you will help you, so instead I wish you the best of luck. I hope you will have the energy to continue fighting until someone can actually help you or the end.
LoveLost55, I don’t recall ever telling you you couldn’t die. If I could convince humanity to kill itself I probably would. There is only suffering when there is life inside someone to feel it. For that reason, I won’t ever stand in someone’s way when they try to commit suicide.
However, because most humans lack the capacity to kill themselves, I focus on reducing suffering. If I can’t convince them to die, I might as well try to make their lives better.
In the end suffering is a choice. To choose to live is to choose to suffer. I’m really not sure what you want because you have the option to die but react negatively when people try to give you hope.
In any case, being broken and incomplete over a woman after 10 years isn’t normal. My grandmother was married for 60 years and while she misses her husband, she is also very happy. It’s not that other people weren’t in love or didn’t give themselves fully, it’s that your obsession with this woman is dysfunctional.
You clearly have some biochemical issues (which is fine, welcome to the club), so refusing medication is silly. There are tons of medications on the market; you don’t have to keep taking one that gives you severe side effects. Choosing not to take medication because “you’re strong enough” is delusional. You’re not strong enough. You’re on a suicide website talking about blowing your head off. Don’t refuse things that can help you out of pride.
If you want to live, good luck to you. Really. If you want to die, at least try to do it peacefully. Take care.
I’m so sorry you carry this burden . My husband left me and I don’t know if I will ever recover. I’m not a religious woman, but i believe divorce shouldn’t be such an accepted option. I don’t know how you lost this woman, but I wish my husband loved me half as much. I’m rather attractive, I can find someone else, but it would only be so I don’t feel so lonely. I was bullied in school, gang raped, I’ve lost my uncles,a cousin, all grandparents, my father and my sister. When my father and sister both died of cancer 2 years apart I didn’t know how I would go on. I would relive it all, the rape, the loss, if only I could have my husband back. I’ve never felt anything so painful.
Before I was married I was young, beautiful and always had men who wanted to date (or at least fuck) me. Like many victims of sexual abuse I was promiscuous. Having power over men made me feel powerful. My husband finally allowed me to value myself, my body and my self worth. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I trusted him, his love, our marriage. He suddenly turned his back on me and once again I feel violated. I’ll never trust anyone again. I just wish I could wake up from my nightmare. I wish I could forget the last decade of my life. I may not understand your pain, but I do understand that sometimes love is permanent and when it’s lost, the wound never heals.
I’ve thought of suicide since the fourth grade, I’m now 38. I came close to a successful attempt a few weeks ago, but as always I was too afraid to follow through. I always stop the process at the last minute and regret that choice almost immediately. In all the years I’ve thought of suicide I’ve never been so serious.
Maybe people are right, and he/she is not worth it, but the bottom line is when I married him it was emotionally till death do us part and neither of us are dead. I often wonder why it’s humane to put a dog down if it must spend it’s life in a cage, but when a person spends 10-20 years in a cage, it’s selfish to not want to continue living in pain. We suffer for those we love. Sometimes I even resent them for making me stay here. Who really is the selfish one? Even with help sometimes depression is a terminal illness. Everyone has had something horrible happen or knew someone who pulled through. Hell, i have. Just because they recovered doesn’t mean you will. I fear I won’t either. I don’t know if there is private messaging here, but if there is please do so. No one should feel so alone.
I had to go see if I’d said something inadvertently offensive… but no, just acknowledging your suffering…
#5 is a big pet peeve of mine. The other person’s worth has nothing to do with anything.
#3 is sometimes an excuse for people to air their own troubles. Yesterday a coworker came into my office in tears, upset about a family situation, and someone came in and started saying “I know how you feel” and yammering on about her own experiences with a similar situation. This person did the same thing to me, she offered to listen if I needed to talk, but after I said one thing she went on about what she’d been through (which was not at all the same thing) and I lost the desire to confide anything. She has a big heart and she means well, as do others who say they understand… I think it’s better to say “I can relate” because it’s true that no one ever knows exactly how anyone else feels.
…and you could say I just did the same thing because I mentioned something from MY life… but I hope you don’t take it that way *hugs* I wish peace for you in whatever form it may come.
This has been quite an interesting read. I think it’s quite impressive the love you have for this person. I think the realisation of this impacted you in such a profound way perhaps only when this was challenged, when you were apart from her. Such is growing up, or fucking up hey. Not that we make better decisions when we’re older, I’m just saying that’s all part of a broader character building experience. I wanna kill myself because I’m pretty sure I’ll never find anyone who will love me. That’s not the mega reason but all I can say to you is hang in there, time will heal, I know how you feel, okay I’m being a ***** now. I totally agree with you, the one I hate more is why do want to die, or you have so much to live for, tomorrow you’ll feel different. For me it’s been more than 10 years and I still want to die. And yeah, I stumbled across this site hoping to hear something I hadn’t heard before. Sorry to be negative but it’s just how I am. I feel for you though. Made me feel 1% better after I read your posts. Cheers.
You feel nothing because you feel everything. It’s not that you’re vacant but full and have become your feeling.
This is the paradox of life – to live well we must learn to die well. Dyeing is a letting go and your holding on for dear life which understandably leaves you longing for Death.
It is easier to kill ourselves metaphorically or physically then it is to let go
Time is an illusion in the inner world, the past, present and future all happing at once.
Here time will heal nothing so do not appeal to time for help.
Do not appeal to Love; as appeal, love will be of the wrong thing. The responsibility of this “something†, “someone” out “there†a feeling, an experience of a moment. Who could live up to such a need?
Love is a way of being not a having.
I’ll get to you by email. I’m sorry you have gone through what you have. Talk to me… maybe we can find a neutral area and be all right in our own skin.