There seems to be a common theme when I get messages or responses from people on some of my posts.Â I would like to address those now.
1. “Time will heal”(or any variation of that): My answer is this, it has been over 10 years for me.Â I hurt like it is day 1.Â My heart has not healed, in fact, it is very much an open, gaping wound.Â Every where I go I see her.Â I feel her, I sense her… it isn’t going away.Â Time is only making it harder on me.Â If it was getting better, if I was truly on the path to healing, I would not be here.Â Â I would not have those fights within myself of wether or not to grab the gun now or later.
2. “You will love again”.Â Now this has proven somewhatÂ true.Â However, it has only proven to be true to a certain point.Â I have loved 1 other woman besides the one that I yearn for.Â I just couldn’t love her like I the other.Â She paid a price and I ended up pushing her away.Â I do miss her, but I do not have that urge for her.Â I can do without her.
3. “You (the responders) know what I am going through”.Â I’m gonna call bullshit on that one right out of the gate.Â If you had any clue, any inclination of my hurt, you would support what is the inevitable.Â You do not understand just as I do not understand anyone elses hurt here.Â I read, I try to feel a connection to it, however, I am different.Â I hurt in my own way.Â I fight MY demons.Â I hear MY thoughts.Â My heart beats only for ONE person, not everyone.Â So, please… stop.
4.Â “I should talk to someone”.Â This might be a surprise to some, but I have.Â Extensively.Â I refuse medication because the side effects are more horrible than the fights I have internally.Â I can fight.Â I have and I continue.Â I know I will be consumed sometime in my near future.Â However, I fight.
5. “No woman is worth it”.Â To those that have said that to me, I’m sorry you have not loved like I have loved.Â I’m sorry you are empty.Â I’m sorry that you think more of yourself than to give yourself whole heartedly to someone.Â If you had, possibly, you would know me.Â Possibly.
There have been a couple others, but these are the majority.Â I’m sorry, but I am truly at my wits end.Â I’m exhausted… mentally, emotionallyÂ and physically.Â I beat myself up, I listen to sad songs, I drink, I feel no empathy towards anything… I am vacant.Â I serve no purpose at this point in my life.Â I have regressed to living back in my parents basement.Â I am no one.Â Everything I do will be recorded.Â I want others to learn from my mistakes.Â I will post… somewhere if possible.Â Again, I am sorry.Â I will continue to post until the end draws near.Â And, when that fateful day happens, I will notify all of you.Â Honestly, I have had more responses from readers than my own family and friends.Â For that, I thank you all.