It doesn’t get better.

Hello.

Let me just start out by saying my life has been shitty since my teenage years.  I started really feeling these types of feelings when I was 13.  It was bad, really bad.  My family life was not great and I had no social skills.  I wasn’t abused, mistreated or any of the like.  I just didn’t really develop those social skills you need to succeed in life.  I started having these thoughts at 13 and it progressed as I got older and nothing really improved.  There was something in the back of my mind which kept telling me things will get better, don’t give up.  Sounds cliche, but no shit, I really felt that way.

Fast forward to my mid 30’s.  Failed dreams, failed relationships, pretty much says it all.  My career hasn’t gone exactly the way I wanted and I have no family of my own.  I keep trying to conjour that voice to tell me things will get better, just hang on.  That voice is no long as sound as it once was.  Matter of fact I don’t really hear that voice.  I have to reach to the here and now to keep going.  That in and of itself is not working.  What is working is the family I have left.

What is hurting is the past.  The fact that if I did it then, would my loved ones still be where they are today?  I could have got it over and done.  I could have.  Now, in the present tense, I regret it.  I live by the firm philosophy…life will stay the same, or get worse.  Success has eluded me.  All my college friends have familys and successful careers their own.  I’m the only one who has failed.  Failed miserably.  I even went to get a Master’s degree, to achieve nothing.

I guess this has helped and I thank you for reading.  Because if you are young, keep on keeping on.  When you are in your mid 30’s as I am, it gets rough, actually downright painful.  Just be reassured, they say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I am living fucking proof the problem is not temporary.  When you are your age you think about how bad your parents will react.  When you are my age you think how your 5 year old niece will react as she stands at your closed coffin struggling to understand what happend to the uncle she once ran up to and hugged.  She doesn’t understand about why you are gone.  She just cries because your hugs are gone.  After playing that scene out time and time again you wake up and do it all over again.  With each and every passing second of the day you realize, if just for one second, what it would be like could you have just done it 18 years ago.