It’s killing me.

Long story – Short(Believe me, I tried):

I was 17 last year making my brother 23. He started seeing one my absolute best friends until she decided to start dating someone who could be around more, his work kept him out of town.

He told me that it really hurt him and we bonded over it… or so I thought. I had a complete falling out with one of my oldest friends and he decided to take her virginity as a way to get back at my best friend. He’s not very mature for his age – I know, and hes been told by many, including my whole family who found out about it later.

He avoided me for the longest time after that and I thought it was because he was afraid I would mad over him not only hurting one of my old friends but doing it after I told him not to and with him working away from home it made it easy for him to avoid me.

Then I started seeing one of his friends, we kept it a secret because it wasn’t anything serious and I didn’t want to get his friend in trouble with anybody because I was technically underage for him at the time. My brother then found out and was furious…

But not with his friend who fucked his little sister, with me because – and I quote, “She’s nothing but a whore, he’s my buddy – no slut is going to change that.” He then went on to say that he only has one sister now (our other sibling – my older sister). He said a lot of hurtful things within the first few weeks of finding out and didn’t confront me or talk to me once about it.

That’s probably what made me more mad about it. That he just assumed I was doing it to hurt him or something. And it astonished me that he could be so hypocritical too.

I didn’t know who he was anymore. How he could say some of the things he said. It hurt me to absolute pieces, and he wouldn’t even talk or look at me again.

A month later I became furious with the situation – As if he was going to accuse me of that behaviour when he was doing so much worse!

I’m a very stubborn person and he knows this to his core. If a friend does something to hurt me I cut them out of my life. I know its harsh but it has saved me a lot of trouble. He was my brother, I could never do that… or so I thought. He continued making rude remarks for 5 months… once even hinting that I should just go die because a funeral would be cheaper than having me around anymore for my parents.

He didn’t care at all about me anymore – this guy I use to look up to so highly was now the reason for my biggest misery. With my stubborn personality it was so hard in the first month to keep hearing all the things he was saying and knowing I’ll have to forgive him in the future.

Half a year later and I realised I’m never going to be able to do that. Ever. He’s made me life so much worse than it was originally. I can’t even look at my family the same because its torn us apart. I didn’t get to spend a lot of Christmas day with my family even because I couldn’t stand to be around him.

Then it got worse. I found out that his friend I had been seeing had been dating a girl in another city, and that girls twin was my brothers new girlfriend. Meaning he knew about it all along. He sat there and not only watched it happen to his little sister but also to this girl that he “loves so much” ‘s twin sister as well! I honestly have no idea who he is anymore, he was never brought up this way and it makes me so angry that I cry myself to sleep with frustration over it.

He knows I’m hurting this way – due to a drunken night a few months after he found out. I went to his room crying and telling him it was ok to hate me if he wanted but he needs to stop treating other girls the way he was. And yet here we are – 8 months later, and he hasn’t even blinked an eye over me being out of his life.

It’s gotten so bad that my mother now pays for me to leave the city when he comes home for a visit. It feels like shes shipping me away because my brother hates me that much. It kills me.

I know I have to come to terms with it But a lot of my family wont let it go. And it hurts to have to deal with anything family related or talking about anything from the past. It hurts to much I feel tears coming on just talking about a time he drove me to a party. I can’t do anything about it – and it makes me miserable.

I’ve lost my brother for good, and I’m so angry at him for making it this way because I’m never going to be able to forgive him for what hes done or how long hes put me through this.

He’s living his happy life with his new girlfriend, and I’m stuck here thinking, “what do I do now?”.

How do I live with this? 18 years and now its like my brother is dead. There’s no way to fix it and I don’t know what to do about the pain.

It makes the only thing I was holding on to – family, seem like a joke. I feel like I only have 2 people I can really trust and care for anymore, but if they left – I wouldn’t hesitate for a second before I pulled the trigger.