I’m not a bad person but I am a fucking mess.
For years I have lived my life with no goal, no direction. I got through high school, finished college, got a job, an apartment but I never felt like I am doing anything worthwhile with my life. I survive. That’s all there is. All these years i have lived without consequences. I am a lose rocket that’s barely steered yet I still managed to not hit anything. Until recently. In another act of self destruction, I walked into a situation which I knew was gonna be trouble. The results did not surprise me. I ended up spending 2 nights in jail. Now I am out on bail and facing a lengthy trial for a lawsuit that will probably end with me spending at least 5 years in jail.
This is my poetic justice. Life has stopped giving me excuses to live and has shown me how much of a liability I have become. I had to quit my job, leave my apartment and move back to my parents’ house mainly because I want to be with them during these trying times. My life has finally caught up with me.
I can honestly say that the only reason why I still live is because the these three reasons:
1: The policeman confiscated my belt,
2: I was put in a jail cell that’s already filled with  people
3: I couldn’t find anything sharp enough
8 comments
I feel your pain because my life is a mess too. I have absolutely no hope for the future. All I wish and pray for is death but find myself waking up each morning to face another miserable day. I just wanted you to know that I hope things work out for you.
I’m not sure if you’ve given life a chance… Sounds like you’re just giving in to your own self destruction. Have you tried doing something you enjoy? Besides he college job bullshit?
Yes I am aware that I have inflicted this to myself. I already have a clear idea of what I am going to do after this problem is solved. The problem now is whether I can endure all this.This ordeal that I am going through may be the reset button that I need to start over. Or it can be the the mistake that will finally end me.
Nothing can end you unless you let it. I’m telling you this while I’m also saying it to myself. You will get through this Edd, I know it. Just hold on.
Would you tell us what the legal allegations are? Surely none of our business, but perhaps there’s help you have yet to discover?
Sorry but I can’t really talk about it. All I can say is that it’s criminal but I did not harm anybody. The lawsuit is more like the straw that broke the camel’s back anyway. It’s like that push that puts you over the edge, flapping your arms around and reaching for anything to hold on to.
My respeect for your honesty. If I was a, I had hoped to connect you with folks who have been in your shoes. after 46 years of fighting this battle, I always look to help others jump the hurdles as soon as possible.
I cannot hope for your demise; I do hope for your peace.
Thanks. Being able to talk about it makes me feel a little better. I am currently experiencing episodes of depression but I can say that I am doing much better as the days pass. People around me constantly give me hope and support. Of course the lows are always there but i try my best to move forward. As for the suicidal thoughts, I reserve those for when I go to jail. If I go to jail. No question about it, If I lose this case then I’m killing myself the first chance I get.
So I figured if that’s the case then the following days and months are gonna be the most important time of my life because they may very well be my last.