So I guess since I just registered I should write my story? I don’t know.
So currently I’m 17. My name’s Nick. I live in New York. I’m a senior in high school and a non-matriculated college student at the local community college.
So previous to high school, I was kind of a loner. I was (and still am) the fat kid and I was a loner. My only real friend was my friend Trevor since 3rd Grade. So yeah people made fun of me a lot and no one really stopped until one day this kid, Chris, was really just picking on me. I was having a bad day and… I just lost it. In one motion I shoved him by the neck into a locker, choking him for a moment. Then I just walked away. No one made fun of me out loud after that.
In ninth grade I fell into a bad group. But they accepted me who else could I go to? This is when I first experimented with drugs. I just wanted to be like them. I just wanted to be normal. My self-hate was still only me hating how fat i was.
Tenth grade was the same. I smoked more. I stole from small shops, I lied to people close to me.
Eleventh grade I started talking to this girl Sarah. She called me things like fatass, dumbass, asshole etc. for no reason. But she always wanted to have sex with me, so I went along with it because it was so nice to feel so wanted. We never had sex we just did it over skype. Then on her birthday her parents let me sleep over. Before it was even night she wanted me. We did things. Then as we got done we were making out and her parents caught us. I was kicked out. We didn’t talk for about a month. Then I text her, still completely in love with her, just to find out she is engaged to her Ex-boyfriend. (who abused her).
I will take a break here sorry for the bad grammar in the last paragraph I just don’t like talking about it and wanted to get it over with as fast as possible. Again I apologize.
Anyway, I was crushed. I mean I’ve loved girls (emotionally not sexually) before, but i was actually in love with her. I hated myself. I thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I burned myself a lot. I smoked a lot.
I held a loaded gun to my head. But i couldn’t bring myself to do it. I said i was to much of a ***** to.
I fell into depression my “friends” didn’t help. After months I was starting to move on. I liked this one girl I’ve known for awhile in particular. Her name was Tiffany, and she acted like she liked me. But then I found out her and my other “friend” who knew I liked her were fooling around behind my back. So that little bit of happiness i gained was shattered and I fell back into depression and burning.
At This point essentially every night consisted of either, getting high and passing out or listening to the album Illuminate by Lydia and crying myself to sleep.
I gained new friends though. Some who I could actually talk to and they would listen. I wrote journal entries. Most would say everything I hate about myself. But sometimes they’d have little bits of hope. But most were very, very dark.
For time purpose I’ll skip smaller things.
So now it’s my senior year. I started hanging out with this girl Kayla. I like her she likes me. So I’m really happy. I told her my story she told me hers and so on and so forth. Then one day it goes to hell. (My friend tells me it’s all her fault but i blame myself because I’m stupid.) She hates me now and we don’t even talk or make eye contact.
So now I’m back to smoking. Getting drunk until I black out. There are many things I’ve taken out that I’m sure I’ll post later.
I guess this is the first part of my secretive public journal. Thanks for reading.