Yes. I’m a 16 year old girl. No.I don’t want to kill myself over a boy. Or a girl. Or a bully. Or drugs. Or any of the typical things i’ve seen so far on this site. I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with me. By all rights, i should be a happy kid. I have a good life, I’m smart, talented and funny. So why do I want to die? Why is it that I want nothing more than to not have to exist anymore? Let me tell you why.
My mother and father both had perfect SAT scores. My aunt is the head of neuroimaging research at brown. My aunt and uncle are both professors at brockport. My uncle is a professor of microbiology and genetics studies at ithaca. My cousins all had perfect or near perfect SAT scores. My little sister has a 99.8 average. Could you live up to that? If i come home with anything less than a 95 on an exam or a test, I’m verbally assaulted and made to feel worthless. I’m also a dancer, singer, actress who plays piano, guitar and flute. But if i don’t get a lead in the show, or if i’m not selected for a solo in dance i’m not worthy to call myself part of the family. If i dont look pretty enough at school, my mom makes sure to point it out. Literally everything i do has to meet someone else’s expectations. I can’t be perfect anymore. And i know i sound stupid and shallow, and what i’m going through is not even half as awful as what other people are going through, but it’s too much. I’ve tried talking to my parents, and they wont listen. I’ve tried counseling and therapy and in-patient treatment and nothing works. So at what point do i just give up? I’m never going to be half of what my parents want me to be… so what’s the point? I may as well save them the embarassment and just cut myself out of the picture n0w.
I don’t have friends because i’m too focused on school to have a social life. I wish i did, but i’m not allowed to leave the house without one of my parents with me. No one wants to talk to me in school because i’m the “try-hard” that makes everyone else look bad. I’m stuck in my own personal brand of hell. And i don’t know how to get out. i’ve self mutilated for 3 years now. That didn’t help. Drinking myself into oblivion didn’t help. Therapy didnt help. Hospitalization didnt help. Attempting suicide was the only thing that got me anywhere near where i wanted to be.
I’m not entirely sure why i’m posting this; whether it’s for advice, or a pity plea, 0r just to put my feelings out there so I can externalize it. I really dont know. I’m going to wait a bit and see how i feel after posting this, but i’m pretty sure this is the last thing anyone will ever read from me. #sorrynotsorry