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Oh…

by danicrimson

 

I don’t want to be dead. I’m suicidal, and I recognise this fact. I think about killing myself the way other people think about what they’re going to have for breakfast. I don’t want to die, I just can’t face the fear and the despair that always return to my mind. It gets to the point where I can’t see any other alternative.

I’ve tried to kill myself a lot of times, 16 to be exact, and I’ve always failed. My last two attempts were definitely the most serious, and both almost ended my life. The first I ended up with multiple organ failure; the last I jumped in front of a tube train and lost a finger. It sounds ridiculous to jump of a speeding train and manage to survive like that. I still don’t understand it. Though it’s fair to say that my attempts are getting more and more desperate, as there is little planning or thought before them.

I’m glad to be alive, I’m glad the last attempt didn’t end my life. But I’m not sure what my life is or how to continue it. I feel such anguish at the thought of carrying on. The worst thing is that on the outside I always appear to be absolutely fine. I can be feeling like I’m about to go insane, and everyone around me will think I’m perfectly content. It’s a defence thing from when I was a child, because my dad was abusing me and I couldn’t tell anyone. I’ve told people about it now, and he even went to prison for it. I’ve never talked about it to anyone though, I’ve never processed my feelings, my thoughts about all of it. It drives me to the brink.

I was in counselling, however the centre I went to didn’t have crisis support, so when I attempted suicide it meant that I couldn’t attend that counselling service anymore. I don’t know what to do. I can feel how fragile am I, and how little it would take for me to fall apart again. I’m terrible at talking to people about my feelings, and I’m even worse at asking for help. Writing in a place like this is the closest I will get.

I’ve been applying for work, and the thought of getting a job terrifies me. I love to work, I’ve always loved to work. But if I get work, then there’s more pressure on me to not get sick again. I’m thinking of going back into hospital, I don’t feel that I’m safe left by myself.

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greygirl 2/5/2013 - 8:14 pm

You’re super brave in my eyes for living life like that – afraid of yourself. I know the feeling but its never been to those extremes. If you can’t trust yourself to only keep these attempts as thoughts and nothing else, then I would recommend trying either one on one counceilling… or finding a place that can help you through it – like a hospital.

danicrimson 2/5/2013 - 8:44 pm

I don’t feel brave, I don’t feel brave at all. I have borderline personality disorder. It’s a very emotional unstable disorder, and I know how quickly I can change to not be stable at all. I feel scared because I know that while I’m more or less stable at the moment, I can feel it started again in my head. I recognise the signs when I’m getting sick again, it always happens the same way.
I went into private one on one counselling last year precisely for the reason that I knew I wouldn’t survive the year without it and even with it I barely did. I’m waiting to get put onto a non-private service with crisis support now. I live in the UK so this can take a while, and I don’t think it’s going to be soon enough.

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