Well as you can see above (Phobias from Hell) are the root cause for my want of self destruction. I know this is somehow cliche with my appearance, but I can’t change a stereotype.
Since early childhood I have had an irrational, severe phobia of doctors. I can’t even go to the school nurse with out a panic attack. To go along perfectly with my fear of doctors, I’m a hypochondriac to the extreme. When I was 12 I was convinced I was dying of colon cancer and (tad graphic, sorry) at any moment I would discharge blood from my bowels and that would be that. After a year that fear kind of numbed away. The hypochondria still happened from time to time, but now it’s back with vengeance and in a new form. I’m convinced my glands in my groin are swollen and that I have lymphoma. They aren’t visible and barely feel able, but my mind still registers it as I’m severely sick and dying. My panic attacks are paralyzing and leave me a sad hollow shell. This is part of the reason why I want out of life.
School could be another factor, or rather my endless agenda. That ” same shit, different day ” saying is my life. I understand high school is a short chapter in life’s journey, but it brings me even lower. I have one person to talk to. I can’t say I didn’t inflict it on myself, the mohawk/combat boots/punk band shirts can kinda ward people off in the small hick town I live in. I walk through halls and speak when addressed by a teacher, but aside from that I pass through without a notice.
My parents love me I’m sure, but we have no relationship. We see each other and maybe say as much as 20 words to each other in an entire day. They don’t understand  my panic attacks or thought process. Their more concerned about my little sister which is fine with me, they should do their best to establish a relationship with her while they can make one. They also are very un-supportive of the life style I lead. They absolutely despise my vegetarianism, they don’t want me to go to cosmetology school, but I gag at the thought of college. That’s the biggest hole in our relationship. The College thing. I won’t get too into it, but I’ve built a hatred for higher education. I shouldn’t let there disapproval or doubt phase me, but it makes me feel like I’ll never go anywhere in life.
I know all of this just sounds utterly pathetic and attention seeking like, but maybe I want a little attention. I don’t know. In a way this was sort of therapeutic. My plan though is that if I am sick I’ll end it. Maybe OD on heroin (never done drugs before and the few people who talk to me know my deep hatred for drugs) and go down with Sid Vicious, Hendrix and Kurt Cobain. Or maybe I’ll hang myself and someone will find my body swaying back and forth. Or maybe just bleed out. After all isn’t it better to burn out rather than fade away?
Alexandra
5 comments
Maybe you Gould talk to a therapist about your phobias? They are having serious impact on your health. Good on you for sticking to you vegetarianism, I will tell you you family might never accept it but when you move out there’s nothing they can do about it.
Don’t try to go down like vicious Hendrix and contain. Hendrix choked on his own puke. Contain shot himself in the head. Vicious also shot himself. None of them died of drugs. Anyway, if you mimick their deaths it just feeds all that rubbish Christian evangelists talk about when they blame musicians for teen suicide. Is that what you really want? Also vicious was a talentless douchebag not fit to wear the title of sex pistol in my book.
If you suicide, people will blame your looks. Your clothes. Your vegetarianism. The music you like. All the ways you are different. Prove them wrong. Grow up and be successful and rub your Mohawk in their faces.
I’ve talked to a therapist, but to no avail. Cobain shot himself up with a lethal amount of heroin to make sure if the shot didn’t kill him the over dose would. Vicious never shot himself and I agree he was talentless, but he was the face of punk and what the media wanted represented as punk. I like to look at him as an example for how quick this world will ruin a life with out batting an eyelash, just to make a quick buck.
Lets be realistic- cobain was a junkie. Tht wasn’t his only problem but It sure didn’t help. If he hadn’t been a junkie, if he had been thinking more clearly, he might not have done it. Anyone who knows punk knows that vicious was certainly not the face of punk. It is only the mainstream that took him as an example but really he was just a talentless fabrication. He had the clothes and hair right and nothing else. He was not what punk stood for. And he killed his girlfriend and then killed himself. What a prik. Is that the kind of coward you want to mimick? (Mainstream media knows nothing, jonny rotton is the face of punk). The world is not responsible for SIDS death, he was a sheep that just followed what everyone else did, he got hooked on heroin because his gf was on it, he killed himself because his gf died. If you want to emulate a tragic rock star I wish you’d find a better one
I find that you very selfless while suffering. Well done, many should be like that too… If you do end it all just be careful not to go into a worse condition.
I was talking about the mainstream view, what non-punks first think of when hearing punk. I like to think of the Ramones as the face of punk since they did inspire the Sex Pistols AND the Clash at their Bi-centennial show in London, England July 4th, 1977. Jonny could be looked at as the example for the punk fashion and anarchy, but I wouldn’t go as far to say he’s the face of punk.
Yes Sid did kill Nancy while high on speed. I have a theory Nancy was set up by the media to fuck with Sid and set up a ‘ punk ‘ for the media to look at and for the teens to fawn over.