Every damn year I have to endure this. It will be my 27th Valentine’s Day alone in 2 days… I don’t even know why I let myself get to this point when there is obviously zero hope and I never had any chance. I should have been preemptive and thrown myself off a bridge 5 years ago and then I would have saved myself from about 1825 days of emptiness and agony.Â I have been alone every single miserable day of my life. Telling myself that this is just another hallmark holiday doesn’t really work anymore, every year it is a brutal reminder of all my failings. I hope I can commit to finally ending my suffering before I have to see another year in this position. I have to convince myself that I have nothing left to lose at this point, I literally have nothing. Nothing will get better. The older I get the more bitter, lonely, pathetic and useless I will become. I wish prostitution was legal in this country, then I could at the very least go to a brothel and experience what it is like to be close to another human body one single time before I die. The last thing I need is for my self-righteous family and two-faced co-workers to be castigating and laughing at me for having to pay someone to share a moment of intimacy with me. Worst of all is they are 100% right about me. I’m fucking pathetic. I hate myself. I loathe myself more so than they could ever understand. There is no other way out. I don’t want to ever feel like this this again. I don’t want to feel anything.