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The silence is deafening… The anticipation is building…

by Shepherds

Every damn year I have to endure this. It will be my 27th Valentine’s Day alone in 2 days… I don’t even know why I let myself get to this point when there is obviously zero hope and I never had any chance. I should have been preemptive and thrown myself off a bridge 5 years ago and then I would have saved myself from about 1825 days of emptiness and agony. I have been alone every single miserable day of my life. Telling myself that this is just another hallmark holiday doesn’t really work anymore, every year it is a brutal reminder of all my failings. I hope I can commit to finally ending my suffering before I have to see another year in this position. I have to convince myself that I have nothing left to lose at this point, I literally have nothing. Nothing will get better. The older I get the more bitter, lonely, pathetic and useless I will become. I wish prostitution was legal in this country, then I could at the very least go to a brothel and experience what it is like to be close to another human body one single time before I die. The last thing I need is for my self-righteous family and two-faced co-workers to be castigating and laughing at me for having to pay someone to share a moment of intimacy with me. Worst of all is they are 100% right about me. I’m fucking pathetic. I hate myself. I loathe myself more so than they could ever understand. There is no other way out. I don’t want to ever feel like this this again. I don’t want to feel anything.


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one_day 2/12/2013 - 8:08 pm

Before you go out, you should definately be intimate with someone. I don’t think you should let the stigma of seeing a prostitute get in the way, I think you’d be supprised about how many people really pay for sex. Even if prostitution isn’t legal in your country, there’s usually a healthy illegal trade that’s not too hard to sniff out. Prostitution thrives, whether legal or not, thus proving once again: a lot more people do it than you think, so don’t feel ashamed. One of my ex’s lost his virginity to a prostitute that his friends paid for because they thought he was too old to be a virgin.
Have you tried the online dating scene? Some have had a lot of success finding someone.

Letmesleep 2/12/2013 - 10:23 pm

Honestly, I agree with one_day. While prostitution is not an ideal way to go about satisfying your emotional need, it may not be the worst idea. Being close may just revitalize your life and confidence, breaking down that barrier to being with women.

I wouldn’t suggest making a habit out of seeing prostitutes, but maybe, just maybe, finally having intimacy could give you the drive to change your life. Sometimes drastic measures that aren’t good ideas for most people work very well for people on the edge.

You don’t have to tell other people that you saw a prostitute. Many prostitutes are used to having emotionally broken men come to them. Again, it’s not ideal, but what do you have to lose? Maybe this could save your life.

In the end I’m green-lighting seeing a prostitute as a way to rev up your engine, not as a long term solution to loneliness. Finding a stable relationship will require work and change on your part, but I believe everyone is capable of finding someone to love.

MichelleJ 2/13/2013 - 11:17 pm

I have a good suicide method but I can’t post it here. A small hint it only works iif you totally commit to it, and it’s not too hard to set up. It’s acctually very easy to do, but you have to be fully committed to the plan or it won’t work at all, other than land you in a hospital or make you feel like crap, or kill you very slowly depending on how long you committed to the plan before backing out. A car isn’t necessary for this method either

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