This is Me

I cant bring myself to tell anyone. The one person i love enough to tell doesnt listen. Maybe he listens but doesnt want to know. I hate myself and the life i have. But its not a bad life which makes it so much worse. I have tried to kill myself by cutting when i was a preteen but was so chicken shit i only gave a little scratch. Then as i got older i turned to pills for the pain. Overdosing did nothing but send me off to fitfull bouts of bad dreams only to wake up with a pounding headache. As a side effect painkillers have pretty much no effects on me now. But thats all the past and this is now. This is me at 22 with a 1 yr old engaged to the only man i have loved for over 5 years. This is me who graduated top 1% in high school and was offered a full scholarship to Stanford but turned it down again because im too chicken shit. This is me who got pregnant because he wanted kids so bad and wanted to make sure his 60 yr old ill parents (who waited til their 40s to have kids…) would get to see their grandchildren. This is me who has struggled for almost 2 yrs being a stay at home mom who is trying so hard to love her daughter and teach her the right things only to feel that i am failing. That it was selfish to bring such innocence into this world and have to lie to her and say it is worth living only to die. This is me wanting to be with this man i love more than anything but fighting his need to get married. This is me struggling to find the happy confident girl i was when we met so we can be happy when we wed. This is me realizing that i have given up so much and changed myself completely because i want his approval. But he never cares. This is me seeing myself and wondering why i let him control me without even trying. This is me realizing all my life has been someone elses. This girl right here who has done everything he has asked. She is to blame. That coward who was too chicken shit to do anything. She is winning. And me…im stuck fighting to tell him..trying to get him to help me..to save me…to prove it hasnt been just for him but for me as well. Im fighting to stop this darkness that threatens me when im alone. My daughter doesnt need a mom like mine. She doesnt need the coward me orthe dark me..she needs the strong me…i need the strong me..he needs the strong me…but i cant find her. This is me…lost. confused. Alone