Hey everybody, I’ve been here off and on for a month or two. First off, I’ve met a lot of really good people on here. I think most of us SP users are really soft hearted and it’s easy to click with other people here. I don’t know why I’m writing this because I’ve made up my mind and I’m not looking for support or crying out for help. Hopefully someone out there that also feels like shit will read it and maybe get something out of it.
I’ve lost 3 people this year and my cat that I had for 7 years (I count that as 4). I’ve been nothing but really depressed off and on since I was 19. I’m 26 now and my birthday is in a week. I’ve attempted suicide many times over the years. Carbon monoxide poisoning was my first attempt, I ran a hose from the tailpipe of a car into my drivers side window….sealed the crack and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later still alive. I went to check the hose and the tailpipe got so hot that it melted the hose I was using. Second attempt was overdosing on benedril….If there is anyone out there thinking about that method, don’t ever try it. I ate about 40-60 capsules and woke up hallucinating in the middle of the night, puked…and proceeded to go on a horrible pharmaceutical induced trip.
I decided it wasn’t my time then (Both of those attempts were at 19) and did my best to stick it out for my mom. She died of cancer last April and my life has just gotten worse since. I’m a Christian and sincerely believe in God but I have tried and tried but my depression is so deep I can not be valuable to anyone or anything. I’m a burden to those around me (I’ve seen people say they’ve felt like that before when there wasn’t a reason…..but literally, I am just a burden at this point I’m so useless). In the past year I’ve tried starving myself to death 3 times, longest stretch was 2 weeks. I tried going without water as well to die from dehydration (2 and a half days is the most I could manage) because I really don’t want it to look like a suicide but It’s obvious to me now I won’t be able to be successful with those methods.
I’m going to try a quicker method tonight (Don’t ask for details, I’m just worried a 12 or 13 year old might read what I’m going to do and try it themselves….I don’t want to be responsible for that). I really really hope I can pull this off because I just want it all to be over. I do believe in an afterlife and I just hope God has mercy on me and doesn’t have anything against suicide. That’s been my biggest deterrent so far but it’s to the point where I just have to pray and hope for the best in the hereafter. I’ll let everyone know if I’m still around in the morning but hopefully I won’t be.
6 comments
You’d be commiting mortal sin, as you cannot ask for forgiveness if you’re already dead. So yeah, I think the fella upstairs might have a problem with that.
But ahh there is no Heaven or Hell.
Once your dead thats it, aint no coming back. I embraced that dark void when I died and came back which in all honesty I have no idea why I even did (maybe because I was so young).
I aint gonna preach, nor will I try change your mind… just know that this will be permanent and that dark void most people call the afterlife will go on forever.
One thing I’m certain of is that there is a man upstairs. It’s just a matter of whether he’s going to be merciful or not
If you believe in God, then suicide is basically killing the part of God (our soul), that resides inside of us. Please don’t do this to yourself. Your previous suicide attempts weren’t successful, because your time isn’t up yet. The Grim Reaper has other people to collect, but you’re not one of them.
We’ll see about that one I suppose. If it’s not my time then I won’t be able to succeed
Hello I’m new to this site and I realise that my say doesn’t affect your decision. It sounds like we’ve all tried to die so no one can judge you or detour you away from your death. I just think you’re still grieving over your lose. The pain must be unbearable but you’ve said it yourself you’ve made some bad choices, even when it comes to your suicides…using the wrong kind of hose things like that. I guess it all comes down to how do you know that dieing tonight is the right decision, If you’ve been wrong before. Obviously the only way to find out is not to do it, then see if you feel any better for it afterwards…you can always die another time or you can do it then regret your decision after, when its too late. But if you’ve made your mind up then spend your last hours saying goodbye…visit your mums grave because either way if there is or isn’t a god and you believe in what the bible says then you won’t get to talk to her after. Life is shit we’re all wasteing our time and destroying this planet but living is all we have. I don’t believe in god so its one life then nothing! One thing if u don’t die tonight seek help, stop being a burden, leave and find somewhere new. everyone else has there own problems. Take charge of yours and change. If you believe in god then he is testing your faith, your worth. He’s given you this life so now you work for it otherwise you have failed him and he won’t let you through them pearly gates….who says life should be easy. Death is easy!! But this is just my view and today I’m feeling rather un-suicidal. I wish you all best and I hope that whatever you decide its the right path for you x
intersting about the hose. so what kind of hose would work? this is a method ive considered but i sure dont want to wake up and have to continue living being poinsoned. im sure breathing in that carbon monoxide has done some damage, no offense. i wish you luck amd a peaceful death. i believe God understands when our pain is too great and will bring us home if we chose to do it ourselves. let us know your mehod if it didnt work.