Ugly.

I was the child who should not have been. Honestly, it’s true. My mother admitted to me later in life that she wasn’t supposed to have more than one child, and when I came along, I wasn’t welcome. I felt that keenly throughout all of my childhood. I hung on by telling myself, “It’s only ‘x’ more years, and then I never have to see these people again.” I kept that promise to myself, too. I don’t recommend it for everyone, but it was the right thing for me. I carried that feeling into school, and it continued there because of it.

What I found when I was able to leave the toxic environment of high school and the place I was raised was that I can make my own home. I really can. I found a few people who understood me once I got into college, and I could belong. And when that situation ended, I discovered that I could recreate it. I found that I can keep recreating it wherever I go, because the real problem wasn’t the people around me, it was me. I didn’t belong simply because I didn’t believe I belonged. Once I stopped caring about “belonging” and decided to be who I am no matter what, the people I “belong” with just found me. I was creating my own isolation by constantly behaving as an outsider, and the people around me just reacted to that. Once I stopped caring, I stopped doing that, and social life began to proceed normally for me as it did for others.