Its been awhile since I was last on here..still feeling the same but at least the thoughts of suicide have gotten better. But I don’t feel better about myself at all and its just getting worse in terms of that. I feel like the I’m the biggest idiot because I allowed myself to have feelings for someone that I probably should of, I made the mistake of being friends with benefits with one of my oldest friends. At the end of the day thats all he’ll ever want is just sex he wont want to be in a relationship with me, I mean why would he? He already has sex with me and I treat him like gold. All of this and he doesn’t have to be in a relationship with me and I guess thats what hurts me most is because at the end of the day I actually love and care about him. I wish he knew the amount of pain this causes me, not knowing something is one of the worse things a person can go through because you find yourself going through every possible good and bad scenerio and your just hoping for the best of the situation…but when it comes down to it how often does that happen?.