whatever

I hate my brain. I just thought you should know if your brain is telling you that you should kill yourself, you’re not alone. If your brain is trying to  give you images and visions of how great it would feel to tighten that rope around your neck and you know that its wrong, you are not alone. They’re really seductive right? These thoughts are the true “siren’s call”; a call for eternal peace and an escape from pain. I’m lucky though. I have a thought that I’ve trained myself to repeat. It is this, “Today is a test. Tomorrow might be a test too. But it won’t be forever and I will make you happy.”

I’ve done really well so far. I’ve gotten into my dream school, I’m learning my dream trade , and I’m slowly working to make myself proud. I’m seeing doctors too.

So why the fuck do I want to die tonight? I am trying SO HARD. Despite no one being there to really realize it. No one is there to cheer me on. Sure I get the “it’s good you’re doing something about it” and the “oh. I’m sorry. That sucks…” and yet I still get “You’re sleeping still??”, “God just suck it up”, “Why don’t you ever think about how hard this is on ME?” from the same people. Despite all that I’ve gotten to this point.

I keep expecting to feel stronger. Thats what they tell you right? What doesn’t kill you, and whatever. I don’t know about that anymore though. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel like I’m worth a god damn thing. But I keep saying it, “Today is a test. Today is a test. Today is a test. You will be happy someday” I bet I get hit by a bus.

“There’s so much to live for!” What is the point of pleasing your senses when your heart isn’t stirred? What is the true point of caring for others if they don’t really care back when you need them to? Thats why we do things right? To meet our own ends?

There’s a choice of course; at the end of the day there is always a choice.  The first choice, as Albert Camus claimed, is that “…there is only one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide.” however, there are other options. Though, for most, the reality of them is just as depressing. There is no “win.”

You can choose to strive to make yourself happy. It could be through religion or material wealth or surrounding yourself the illusion of friends. At the end of the day though, you do this from greed and selfishness, just like the majority. The majority even give kindness in self interest. The realization and confrontation of this logic is harsh, but intrinsically true.

And then there is your last option. Your last option is to become a tool for others. To always, no matter what, put others needs in front of your own, for no reason other then to improve their lives. People say “Be the change you want in the world”, but they don’t understand the real implications of that. The truth of acting on this will not make you happier or bring you self satisfaction. In fact, it could drive you the edge filled with resentment and hate. Because no matter how “good” you are you will be used and thrown away. All it might get you is an extra flower on your grave.

No path can really bring you peace without sacrifice; sacrifice of life, self-respect, or sacrifice of being loved as you love, therefore, no peace can truly be reached at all.

I think thats why I want to die tonight.

I think that it is also why I won’t.

I think I’ll just go to sleep.

UGH. Who cares anyway? Whatever.