Where do I fit in?

I was bullied at school, wasn’t overly popular at college, only had a few ‘friends’ at Uni, got married but felt distanced at the wedding reception as though I didn’t fit in and now doing a masters degree to try and get a better job- and I don’t ‘fit’ anywhere.
I just feel so lonely all the time. I am a genuinely nice person, I want to help other people and be there for them.. but I guess it’s because i’m trying to feel that back and it never comes.

I have always felt like I have never belonged to this world, like I was born in the wrong time or the wrong universe. I have thought about ending my life, I think about it a lot, my earliest memory of this was when I was 13 sat in the kitchen, crying and watching the clock pass the time slowly and thinking to myself someone will come down soon to check up on me, to make sure i’m ok. I waited and waited and no one came. Maybe I wanted my life to be validated.

I want people to realise i’m not in the room, to miss me when i’m not there, to get a phone call from time to time to see how i am. Sometimes it goes days without hearing a word from anyone and I think if I had ended my life, how long would it take for anyone to even notice.

Its a sad thought to feel that your existence doesn’t matter. Thats how I feel most days, but I wear a smile well and get through, i’m not sure why i do it. Maybe I hope for something to change me, to make this heartache worth it.

I hate my body, I hate everything about it. I know i’m not fat but i’m not exactly the skinny girl that so many seem to be these days. It makes me feel inadequate. I just don’t fit in and I don’t stand out. I exist.