Why Can’t Something Go Right??

So, I feel better every time I get on here, but I still feel terrible nonetheless. I’ve never been called fat or ugly or stupid in my life until I started hanging out with Emily. She puts me down constantly. I can’t stand it. I’ve told her to leave me alone, but she won’t listen. I do have some friends, but I don’t trust them. Not with everything. I can’t trust anyone anymore. And no, I’m not doing this because so many guys have been mean to me; I’m doing this because so many people in general have given me reason not to trust them. I have one best friend that’s a guy. His name is Dawson. He knows me better than any of my other friends. But he doesn’t know that I cut myself. I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want him to shun me. People are mean when they don’t understand. I’ve told a few friends that did understand, and tried to help me. But still. I don’t know how he would react, so I try to cover my arms until the scars heal. Some girls came up to me, laughing and asking me why I had cuts on my arm. I looked at them, gave them a “Go to Hell” look, laughed, and said I fell. This happened, like, last week. I kept it together until I got home. Then I let loose. I always have to wait until I get home. I can’t tell someone why I’m crying. I can’t let anyone see me cry. And I will never, tell a guy that I like him again. Or his best friend. I really liked a guy named Tennyson (he’s German), and he said he didn’t like me. I was okay for a while, but then a few days later, his friend that was at his house was talking to me on facebook, I think. He asked me if I liked Tennyson. I said yes. So then he asked him if he liked me, and said that he said that he did, a little bit. Then he asked him if he would go out with me, and he said that Tennyson has said maybe. A few minutes later, he says that he was “just trying to spare my feelings” and that he was lying about what he had said. He had said no. He lied about everything he had said. The worst part is, they started arguing. Tennyson took Brycen’s laptop. (Brycen is his friend’s name) Then he read ALL of our messages. And just sat there. Then Brycen started trying to get him to ask me out. He was trying to guilt him into it, saying that I had been through a lot. (He only knew that cause my friend, Hailey went off on him.) They ended up arguing to the point of not being friends anymore. They don’t even talk to each other. And it’s all because of me. They were great friends, and I fucked it all up. I feel like I fuck everything up. But oh well. I guess it’s okay. Actually, no. No, it’s not. It’s never okay. I’m sick of lying, having to cover up everything that I feel inside. I have so much anger and sadness bottled up. I almost got in a fight with this one girl, and I let all my anger out when I was arguing with her. I was shaking. Everything was red.  I channeled every bad feeling I had in me into my strength so I would make it through the fight, if it happened. I can’t ever do that again. I couldn’t think, I was just so angry. I don’t smile anymore, either. It hurts to smile. What reason do I have to smile? I’ve lost everything that I loved. My grandpa, my grandma, my other grandparents, my dog that I loved so much. My parents say that I’m “miserable to be around”. My sister just finds every fault in the world with me, just like Emily. It just.. it hurts. I can’t do anything but try. But trying isn’t helping much right now, so I’m almost ready to give up. I just.. I want it to stop. I want to fix everything, but I can’t. I can’t go back and fix everything that went wrong. I can’t do anything about it.  My soul feels like a deep pit. It’s like I’m drowning in all the sorrow I feel. I’m in an ocean of sorrow, near the bottom, trying to swim up. I though I could see the surface. But something caught me and pulled me back down. I feel like there’s no hope, like I’m doomed to die. I don’t know what to do anymore.