I got word on Friday that I was admitted to a reasonably prestigious law school. Everyone at work couldn’t have been happier for me, and for about twelve straight hours, I was able to convince myself that I was a human being worthy of sucking in oxygen.
So why, in light of being accepted into this school and in knowing I’m pursuing a career I truly love, do I still want to jump?
That, I think, is the problem. If I could put my finger on why I want to do it, I’d be able to – rationally – address it. I’d be, if I so cared, able to take steps to resolve whatever the underlying issues were, and reach some sort of resolution.
It’s not that cut-and-dried. It’s amorphous and ambiguously timed. I can go a week at a time and not have the slightest inclination. And then I’ll spend 48 hours unable to stop visualizing it. It can be sparked by anxiety or nothing at all.
News like this should matter; should inspire me to at least make it through to orientation.
Why doesn’t it?
2 comments
Congratulations on getting into Law School! You have to have good undergraduate marks to get into professional schools like Law, Medicine etc. Don’t let those thoughts of jumping spoil your dreams of becoming a lawyer. Give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve done well. 🙂
Maybe there’s something within you which emerges every now and then to tell you that existence is trivial and insignificant. Maybe its something innate which you can’t override or change, and you’ll have to cope with that feeling for the rest of your life, however long (or short) it may be?
Maybe you’ve undergone an episode in the early stages of your life (which, of course, you can’t possibly remember now), and you’ve been traumatised in one sense or another? It’s entirely plausible, is it not. Even I don’t know the type of experiences I’ve undergone during the early stages of my life. All I know is that whatever negative things may have happened, they were “registered” and now they influence our thoughts, emotions (perhaps even actions) through the subconscious.
Or maybe there is simply a chemical imbalance in your brain? No one is immune from that. Certainly not me.
So, as you see, there might be myriad explanations for the origin of those type of thoughts forming in your mind.
I can’t answer your question obviously. But I believe if you search for the answer in earnest, you may find it. And so, good luck with that.