therapy sessions are getting heavy. considering hypnosis to look into possible abuse. i have been using pot to numb myself-trying to escape from myself. thinking gets me in trouble-the more i think the more i believe the abuse happened. it is scary to believe. opening pandora’s box. i don’t know if i am strong enough to handle what comes out of this. i think about suicide a lot. thinking about other means to an end. the gun option would require a little work. but there are other possibilities within easy reach. there is this feeling of impending doom i can’t seem to shake. been having dreams about jumping off a bridge or building. the more i think about it the easier it gets for me to justify my actions. i am shutting myself off from those who care for me. i can’t say if it is self protection or self destruction. i will be surprised if i am still topside by the end of the year.