A Struggle

Here I am sitting in front of a computer screen, having tears run down my cheeks. I just need to let this all out. I was born abroad and faced tons of bullying when I came to where I am now. Started in 2nd grade and it never ended in elementary or middle school. I never made much friends until Middle School. I was in a clique, were weren’t close; it was simply to gain an advantage over each other for selfish purposes like getting good grades. I saw everyone in a race, in a race of being the best in academics. I was smart, until I skipped a few prerequisite courses. I suddenly felt dumb and the insecurities never left me. But I managed to pass Middle School as a straight A student. Towards the end of the year, pressure started building up and I and a couple of other friends cheated on a State Test. Our scores were disqualified and from there, my world started crumbling. I was suspended from Middle School (one for cheating, and suspended a second time for lending my essay to a friend because he said he would edit it. Instead he copied it). My world, my reputation, my grades, my impression all went downhill. Teachers started making comments about me when I was not on school grounds. Rumors spread. Everyone knew. After my second suspension, I never set a foot on the last week of school. From there I became depressed. I went extremely bipolar, and I never had a purpose to live for. I felt like everything had been taken from me, all the hardwork I put in my assignments, had vanished and nothing mattered because of one damn mistake. High School began, and I never tried as hard as I used to, still ended up with most As but barely passing my first AP exam. I am a sophomore right now, and my worlds crumbling more than ever. My transcript is stained D-s  Cs and Bs. I havent been able to receive a good A in a challenging class. Last term I tried extremely hard and still ended up with the grades I did. I don’t know what I did wrong. I’ve been studying as hard as I did for that one term, and I still failed terribly. The agonizing pressure has been haunting me for 2 years. My friends don’t really care; Grades are the only things that matter to them. No one asks me How am I. I would break down crying while I try to stay calm and strong on the outside. Everyone has discarded me to be dumb. I already aren’t pretty and the brain was the only thing I had to hold onto. Now that I can’t even manage to get straight A’s, I feel like my lifes headed to where I’ve never dreamed before. I just want to give up. I can’t be arsed trying and hardworking anymore.

For the past week, I’ve haven’t been able to sleep, or get a rest. My weights dropping. My period hasnt arrived and its the end of the month. I wanna drop out. I can no longer be in a school where I feel dumb to go to everyday. I tried hard and thats all I can do. I gave it my best shot and got nothing in return. I tell my mum and dad I dont want to even go to school every morning when I wake up. I’ve been falling into patterns of fights and arguments with them. I just wanna give up because nothing I worked for and dreamed about is being fulfilled even with the literal hours of work I do. Most of all, I have more tests and examinations as well as AP exams comming up. I dont know how I ll make it through. I have 4 more weeks and I havent even bought my books yet because I’ve been so focused on trying to get my grades up. I dont know what to do. I cant seem to pick myself back up :'(

Sigh..and most of all I can’t stop crying. This all may sound silly to you, but honestly, I had big dreams when I was a little girl. I lost them all. Now my simple dream is to make it through. 🙁