Attached to something

My mind wanders all sorts of dark places. It’s like life is never going to change. The fear of death is only because your attached to something or someone. I have someone. I don’t fear death though. I learned that fear is just in your mind and it can go away. I can disappear and the world keeps spinning. My death will only define who I was. Although I want people to remember me as happy that would just be lying to themselves and that’s useless. I don’t really regret anything right now and I want to die in peace and I feel like this is the perfect time. I hoped for an easy way. Not to fast not to long. Just enough time to feel like it’s finally over.

I guess you might think this is a stupid idea since I’m only 15 and things could get better. Something like that. I willing to give it all up. I won’t see myself the way I should or treat myself the way I should. There is no cure. No one can fix me.

When I was younger my life messed up I should of never had to go through what I did. Being raped at a really young age destroyed any relationship I made. I freak out when people touch me or even get close. Being called fat by so many people made me believe I was. My dad drinking made it hard for me to get help. My mom not being there made life so miserable. Everyone needs someone to guide them and I never had anyone. What I’ve done to myself because of all of this is what was the most damaging thing that has ever happened to me. I was never good enough. I would tear myself down and torture myself with words. I had no sense of self worth I am worthless. I realized something. I’m slowly killing myself. I hope that one person will understand why I fine suicide as the only way out of the sadness and anger that I can’t control.