Coming to terms with my reality….

i don’t think i need to worry about being lonely or about not being cared for. anyways what’s the big deal….everybody has their own things to worry about,  why would they think of you or how to help you… if you need help, help yourself … hey i am not saying this to anybody else, i am saying it to myself… i have decided not to kill my self … i can’t do it coz that would give my mom a lot of problems to handle… and she doesn’t deserve it… not after single handedly taking care of me and my sister after my dad succumbed to cancer… she is a weak and fragile person but she has a very strong will power… she has been trudging along with a determination worthy of admiration… and yet her firstborn is such a loser…. but i am coming to terms with the fact that i am what i am…  i am tired of all this whining , but will i stop whining…. i don’t think so… at least here i don’t have to force it on anybody… i am typing things that come into my mind… i don’t care that this would all go unnoticed… it is good to give a vent to my feelings instead of bottling it up… i guess as long as i am alive i would have to go through this never ending loop of depression… that is my reality…  i need to come to terms with it rather than trying to run away from it.