Empowering Realisation; Lengthy But I Would Appreciate Your Thoughts.

I wanted to talk about a couple of things today, one being coping strategies the other being about myself.

Starting with coping strategies; for years I have been told about trying various different methods to help me through depressive states, even how to cope in different ways other than cutting. Things like exercise, music, writing/diaries; stop me when it sounds familiar. I have tried all of those, and although some might have worked a couple of times, they were not long term strategies I could use and were often very useless.

Recently I stumbled upon origami, I have never really  been interested and for some reason now I have this major obsession with it. It’s my first hobby and I am getting really passionate about it. I have also noticed that it is helping me with my depression.
The other day I felt terrible, I could feel myself getting lowered into the depths of emptiness I have known for years. Without thinking I picked up a piece of paper and started making a star. And after making at least 50 stars, I finally realised I had stopped crying, stopped feeling any emotions and was just concentrating on making these stars.

I was so surprised, confused and somewhat relieved that I could keep my promise and not cut. It’s amazing that I might have found something that could help me through these rough patches.

I don’t know how long this will last for, and I hope it lasts for a very long time. But even if it’s a temporary thing, just like the others. I don’t mind, at least I have something right now, to help me.

The second thing ties in with the above realisation.
My boyfriend was recently staying at my house for almost a month then had to go back to his house. I was pretty devastated at the thought of him leaving because for some reason when he is around, no matter how long, I either show very little depressive symptoms (although I get ‘sad’ it doesn’t evolve into depression like it always has); or I get depressed but the cycle length is substantially decreased (so instead of it being a month, I might only get into a severe state for a week or sometimes a couple of days!)

I was meant to go and see him tonight at his house, but his mates came over for a boys night and I was cool with just seeing him the next day. He then got worried about me and told me that he understands that when he leaves I can become extremely depressed, and seeing him usually helps. He told me that he didn’t mind me coming over still, and that he totally understands if I ‘need’ to.

I was a little shocked and embarrassed at this, the situation I have been putting him in has obviously affected our relationship and how he sees me. Although it was the truth, I usually cannot handle it when he leaves and fall into a deep depression for ages, this time was the first time in about three years that it hasn’t happened.

I am hoping with every fibre of my body that origami helps me regain some control and independence in my life. And puts less responsibility and strain on my boyfriend, who has never complained, has always been there and loves me anyway. But it’s not okay to let him become my personal psychiatrist, and emotional ventilator. I cannot allow myself to rely on him to support me through life. I need to empower myself and move forward!

(To anyway who actually read all this, thank you. I was hoping to write a couple of paragraphs but once I started typing, it all fell out. If you could comment and give me any feedback, that would be very appreciated.)