I guess I just don’t know what I want from people anymore. It’s like I’m screaming for someone to take two seconds to notice that I’m dying. It’s like I’ve fallen down in the middle of a stampede, and everyone just keeps trampling me. They don’t notice that they’re about to lose me. Would they care? Would they even notice if I was gone? My own boyfriend is so obsessed with that damn piano that he doesn’t have time for me. I understand, because I’m a music major too, but I’d drop my guitar for him anytime. He knows that I’ve struggled in the past with depression and suicidal ideation. I know he can’t save me, but it’s fair to want him to care, to fight for me. Damn it. Is there no one who cares enough to listen to me? Screw this. Are these the people whose feelings I want to spare by staying alive? Really? Why do I give a damn if they don’t? They deserve whatever they feel when I’m dead. You don’t have time to care while I’m still alive, then you can have all the damn sorrow you can swallow when I’m dead. That is, if you’d even care. I’m so angry, so sick of being invisible, worthless, a useless speck on this stupid planet. Cutting doesn’t numb the pain anymore. Nothing helps anymore. I’m desperate and panicking. I want out. Now. It’s just too much. And nobody cares.
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7 comments
*hugs* next time you see him playing giv him a hug and tell you love him if he dos nothing or tells you to do one then you know that he is a dick and he is wong not you you are in a bad place he isunt make him understand that a person espeshaly 1 as loveing as you is more importent that a thing i can tell you are loveing from what youv gust said i dont know you and from reding that i can tell you I CARE I CARE ALOT im not trying to say i know you like one of them dum ass terpists but as some one who considers evrey one in his posishion to be his brothers and sisters good luck xx
Your boyfriend should be fighting for you. Make him understand.
Wont say I understand completely cuz chances are I dont, but Im in a similar enough situtation, so youre not alone. Im here to listen.
I guess I don’t know how to explain to him how very bad it is, because I don’t want to tell him that I want to die. I don’t want a psych ward visit or for my parents to find out. I want the option to stay open, but if he knows the plan, then I won’t have the escape if I need it. I know that almost contradicts my wanting to be heard. I would say that I’m torn about it. To save my life, I need someone, perhaps him, to hear me, but if they do, it might make things worse. I wish I could make him understand without giving away the suicide option…
Thank you so much for your encouragement. It really does make a difference, and I needed that. Thanks!
Even without completely letting on explaining things to him, if you let him know you really need him right now, he should do what he can to make you feel better whether its just a with simple hug or something like that, anything to let you know he’s there for you. That’s just what I think anyway.
But I do know that feeling. Really wanting to talk to someone you trust, but not being able to because of how they might react or think. Its pretty suckish. But that’s why we’re here, where someone will listen and try to help without judging you.
You’re absolutely right. Even knowing I have his support will help me not feel so alone. I think I’ll have to mention something to him. It’ll be hard, but I do really need him right now. And I’m really thankful for this community. I know that it doesn’t change my circumstances, but being understood on this level is so helpful. Thank you!
Its always nice to talk. Good luck! Here if you need us.