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First Time Posting…

by jsmith

I’m not even sure how to do all this, I haven’t taken the time to read through everything. I just need to get this out. Now.

I think too much, way too much. I’m a 40 year old female who has thought about dieing since I was a teenager. I guess I’ve always been scared to live. I was bullied horribly in school. I never felt like I was good enough for my parents… But all of that is more than 2 decades in the past. Maybe that is what started my depression. I can’t even remember not being depressed. Now though, I’m on medication that helps take the edge off I guess.

I can’t stop questioning why… Why am I here? What is real? What is true? I’ve always been searching for myself. I’ve always been searching for the Truth. I’ve always been searching for ‘god’ or whatever you want to call the origin of everything. Is It even real? What is It’s purpose? Why?

I’ve given Christianity a real try and after studying intensely for years and years I finally can put that religion away… I know it is not the Truth. Is reincarnation? I do have something like ‘memories’ of living in other bodies, in other times… But is that real? Or my imagination?

I have studied so many different religions & belief systems and nothing rings True with me. I feel so lost, so empty – like I am floating in the vast, endless universe with nothing to hold onto, nothing to touch.

I am not close to my parents or any of my other family members, most I haven’t seen or talked to since I was a kid. I only have 3 friends. One lives a few hours away and we see each other once a years. We never talk on the phone and we only email each other 2 or 3 times a year, if that much. One of my other friends is really just a roommate, I’ve known her for a long time but I don’t like her, we just have totally different ideas about things. She is very shallow and self centered and materialistic. The last and only really true friend I have is like a sister but she is sort of emotionally distant. We’ve known each other for over 20 years. She used to be sort of my girlfriend but she has terrible problems being emotionally close. There is a lot of water under that bridge, so to speak. I don’t feel like I can trust her with my inner-most self. She has hurt me terribly in the past and I just can’t go there again.

I don’t have anyone else. I have nothing to believe in. I feel so cold and alone. I’ve tried to kill myself (in earnest) two times. I dream about it almost everyday, some days its all I think about. But I’m so damn curious about what the Truth is that I keep going, day after day. And I know that really, it doesn’t matter what the Truth is… Does it? I mean, I guess I’ll find out when I’m dead, if there is anything to find out at all.

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3 comments

Starlove 3/15/2013 - 2:34 pm

First off, welcome jsmith. I’m sorry that you feel bad. I personally have no specific religion, mostly because I’m not dedicated. I believe in Wicca and the Goddess, but by no means am I Wiccan. Some of us just have no need or want for religion. I read a wonderful book about a adolescent girl with many problems about her sex and belonging. It really spoke to me. If you like reading you might like this book (Earth Quake Machine by Mary Pauline Lowry. I’m not advertising or anything, but it might help.
I’m sorry about your relationship problems. Most of your issues, it seems (and I’m not a psephologist or anything) stem from intelligence. I was very smart and advance in my ways of thinking and I was severely depressed for a few years. I hope things get better.

Dawg 3/15/2013 - 3:11 pm

Hello and welcome jsmith

I don’t have a lot of time at the moment to get detailed but I wanted to say “hi” and make a couple observations for you to consider.

First – the Truth is what you perceive it to be … everything else is someone else’s opinion of whet they perceive it to be … me? I’m atheist, but well read on the bible and theology – you’re correct, it doesn’t ring true – sure there are historical facts interwoven but the gaps are filled in with stories meant to control the masses … at least in my opinion.

One thing that leaps out at me in your post, is you seem focused on the negatives of the people in your life – let me suggest you search for the positives and put the emphasis on those … people are tools in our lives, and like any tool box, each tool is good for some jobs and not so good for others … we don’t use a hammer to tighten a bolt and we don’t use a wrench to pound nails … at least not effectively and efficiently.

I tend to not get overly consumed by the past, which is over and done with – i forgive others as well as myself for the mistakes made and move on -of course i won’t move forward trusting someone who has proven untrustworthy, but i don’t continue to harbor ill will at the betrayal that person committed – it’s done. I also don’t get all twisted up worrying about the future – there’s simply too many variables to predict it accurately … I simply prepare as best as i’m able and hold on for the ride hoping for the best while trying to guide myself between the ditches on either side of the road

When you’re dead, you’re dead – nothing much after that event … so go smell the roses, meet people and find out how they might enhance your life – if they bring nothing to the table, move on and enjoy the sunset 🙂

welcome to SP

guide dawg

one_day 3/15/2013 - 9:13 pm

Truth is subjective to an extent… In that some things ring true to some but not to others. I guess the trick is just fining what works for you.

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