I Don’t Even Want To Be Happy Now

What’s it worth if I can’t get anything that I want? Even if I go for it, I don’t fucking get it. What do I care anymore? I mean, does it even matter? Another lost soul in the world. Woohoo. Yay. One more person who can’t take life. One more person too weak to face the pain. Hmph. I mean, does anybody care, anyway? The people I love most… I don’t know if they love me back. I know Trevor doesn’t. I know Garrett doesn’t. I know that they all want skinny girls that don’t have problems. They want girls that conform to the world, and go with the flow. Well, I’m most definitely not that girl. So what’s the point in trying? Ya know, I can’t believe everything that’s going on. It’s driving me insane. I was almost happier when I was unhappy, if that makes any sense. I definitely wasn’t getting hurt then! I was just living my life. Sure, maybe I was miserable. But honestly, I think that numb is better than hurt. Maybe it’s even better than happy. So what if there’s happy moments that we need to enjoy? There’s depressing moments, too. And I’m tired of going back and forth. I’ve pretty much given up. I can’t keep going up and down. It hurts too damn much. I want to be happy, it’s what I always tell myself that it’s what I want. But I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to get hurt again. Damn, I’m sick of getting hurt. I mean, even Owen…. Maybe it’s a good thing I broke up with him. He had a baby just the other day. I was really shocked. Like, I didn’t even know that he had… Yeah, I didn’t know that he had done that with that chick. It’s.. I don’t know. I feel wrong, somehow, for going out with him, even for the short length I did. I thought.. I thought that this would be my escape. The saddest part is that Garrett doesn’t even know that I like him. I only told one person. And I know she won’t tell him. At least, I hope she doesn’t. I just.. I don’t want to like Trevor anymore. It’s like he’s a.. It’s like he’s a drug. I want him, and yet I don’t. I want to cut, too, but have I done that? Nope. So I can “quit” him, too. I think that I can do this. Man, I’ve got it bad for Garrett, though. If I need to, though, I can “quit” him, too. I don’t know what to do, but I guess I’ll figure something out.