I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore.

Hello, everybody.
I’m not in the best of mindsets at the moment. All I can think about is Suicide.
I know that I probably shouldn’t be but today I realised something.
Nobody wants me here.
I haven’t been diagnosed with any sort of mental health issue but I know that I’m severely depressed. This upsets me more.
I’ve been in denial for so long. I lied to my loved ones. I’ve cut, bruised, hurt myself to the point where I don’t know who I am anymore.
I wish that things were different [like everybody else] but wishful thinking will never get me anywhere.
My thoughts aren’t my own anymore.
Nobody wants to know me because I’m a horrible, manipulative, game – playing, pathetic, vindictive, sly, cruel, lying human being.
I’ve ruined every relationship between all of my loved ones.
I’ve made people actually hate me.
I’m seen as an attention seeker because I want to die. I just wanted somebody to listen.
Things just got out of control.
I don’t control anything anymore – my thoughts, acts, feelings – nothing.
It’s like I switch to a different person and although I know that this is happening [at the time] I can’t stop myself.
This person’s different to me – she has a separate life.
I hate her.
She’s messed up my life for way too long. And that is also my fault.
She controls my mind so all I hear is, “You’re not good enough”, “die”, “nobody wants you”, “you’re pathetic”, “death is the only way out”, “LISTEN TO ME, YOU IGNORANT FOOL” & much more.

When I don’t listen to these thoughts, I have to cause a laceration anywhere on my body. I am a failure. At relationships. At education. At life.

It hurts to the point where I just want to stop breathing.

In her world, everybody’s an enemy. She’s ruined every single thing. She’s tarnished my reputation. She’s killing me.

Slowly, my life is becoming hers.

I can’t even be myself in my own world.
I’m lost.
I’m left picking up her pieces.