I dont want to die…but living isnt my forte

I just dont feel like being anywhere. It seems as though i dont share the same values as those who inhabit this patch of earth alongside me. I feel like im in a constant state of purgatory, neither here nor there. The only reason im on this site is i can express myself to those who might possibly relate, although im not so sure about that either. Im a blessed individual with a loving family and a lot of opportunities laid before me. Im mentally and physically blessed and i feel selfish for cursing my existence but i havent met anyone who gets me. Everyone is so concerned with outward appearances, perceptions based upon facades. People have their facebook and instagram spreading out their perpetual propaganda that is their “good life”. I know people only put the good things about themselves the good pictures and the good times and i know im not missing out. Thats not what bothers me. What bothers me is that people care so much about what others think rather than what they are. They care about money. Fucking money. I just want to subside into the shadows and vanish but I hold out for fear of hurting my family. I dont want to die but I really dont feel like living anymore. Life is a race in which we all inevitably lose yet everyone is hauling ass for the finish line. It makes no sense to me, it breaks my heart. No one wants to take a step back and actually think about what they are doing and why they are doing it. Instead im branded this blacksheep with an immature outlook. The thing is I feel as though its the other way around. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Right now Im living back in my hometown which is a small town in the country in which everyone has a much more narrow mindset than what Im accustomed to. But Ive learned through the different places Ive lived that its everywhere not just here, they just have a different narrow mindset. I cant determine whether Im smarter than everyone or a fucking retard. And before you go on about my punctuation, yes I know I have neglected to acknowledge any. So I dont get it, Im so lost. I put a gun to my head AT LEAST once a day but im too scared to chamber the bullet because i can see the faces of my grandmother/father, mom, uncles, aunts, and cousins. I dont know whether im considerate or too selfish to be the one to make everyone cry. My heart is burdened with compassion and empathy and i fucking hate it. This will probably be the equivalent of going to rehab saying im addicted pot and some one stands up and asks if ive ever sucked dick for coke. I could see most people saying quit being a ***** and suck it up but damnit i dont want to suck it up i want to fucking dispatch myself into the afterlife. Im frustrated and alone. Ive always been alone, even in a crowded room. Ive gone to therapists but they cant read me either, im cursed in this strange fashion and i dont know whats wrong with me. My mother and I used to get abused by this dickhole stepfather but i dont even think thats whats wrong with me. I live a life of mental solitude and despair. I literally dare death to take me, i welcome it as if it were an old friend. The fucked up thing is i’ll probably live longer than everybody i know. Tonight we had a huge lightning storm and i was standing in the rain praying i big fiery bolt would come down and fry me and but to my dismay im writing on a suicide blog. FML.