I am 15 and from Brazil. I think this post is gonna beÂ long, but I ask you to read it.
The point of my post is not sharing my self-harming story. But let’s start with it.
The time was 2011. I had some problems with people. Actually, people were my problem.
These Internet fads were rising at that time, in my country. Not only that, I was 13,Â that moment when we start to grow up and realize how people are essentially stupid. Hate consumed me bit by bit. I didn’t want to go to school anymore, I didn’t want to leave my house, because I knew I would have to look into those eyes I hated so much. I know I would have to seeÂ brainless people, who had no ideals, no morality, didn’t think by themselves, and only lived to get social approval. I hated society more and more, and felt alone because I knew nobody would understand me. All my friends had their own friends and simply forgot about me. I remember a sentence I wrote one day: “I feel I’m the second option even when the third is available.” I would never tell anyone about what and how I felt.Â If I did, they would take me to some psychologist and consider me as a psycho.Â I just didn’t want to see anybody for the rest of my whole life.
All I wanted to do is what I used to do everyday; get home, lock myself into the bathroom and play my favorite album, “Nevermind” by Nirvana, while I cried and tried to hurt myself. And I did it for hours. With a knife, I cut my arms, my wrist and my legs, but (unfortunately, I would think) I never could bleed with it. I think I never held it strongly enough; anyway, I used to do something wrong because the cuts never got to really bleed. This is all I could ever get:
The yearning for the end faded away with time.
Actually, I still feel this. I hate being in crowds. But I stopped thinking about killing myself.
When I’m bad, I get my earpiece on, raise the volumes and listen to some Children Of Bodom with my closed eyes. It all goes away.
But I know it can’t help everyone. It’s not the point anyway.
So, I hate thinking that there are other young people passing through what I passed. Life is everything, whether you see it or not, and I know that there are people who don’t see. I know what you might be thinking; if some loving-life-jerk would tell me that life is good while I hated it, I would just ignore. But I beg you to don’t. I know it’s hard to listen to someone in these hard times when you think about ending your own life, or even worse, someone who you don’t even know. But I want to help, because when I think of people crying for the rudeness of life, I feel a razor cutting my heart from the inside. I want to help you. I know how it is to feel unwanted and forgotten.
So girls (and boys too, if you think a girl can help you), if you want a friend to talk to about how you feel or giving advices, anything, just someone who will be there for you even virtually, I have a Kik Messenger account and you can (and must! :P) contact me. My username is “SkullGold”. For the ones who don’t have an account yet, I could recommend it to you, it’s a wonderful communication tool.Â You can download the app through App Store or Android/Google Play Market.
Please, add me on there. I give you a personal promise that I will try my best to make you feel better. Or whatever you want from a friend, I will be there.
Thanks for reading and I’m waiting for your message,