So, I haven’t been on here for a few months actually, I thought my life turned around, at first my life seemed worthwhile, but…. I’m back. and honestly, this time I have no idea why. I shouldn’t be as sad as I am right now, I’m graduating highschool in a few months, I have to get a grad dress and a date. I have to decide what I want to be career-wise, but before that, college/university.. I should be ecstatic about all this happening right now.
but I’m not. Don’t ask me why, cause I don’t have an answer for you. Once again, I just feel so empty, I feel like I’m spent, my emotions have been running on high alot lately. Things have changed. People that I thought would be around forever, are gone. haven’t talked or seen my friend K in over 7 months, and I’m not exaggerating when I say this guy was my anchor, he kept me grounded, he kept me happy. He taught me that I could not care about people for once, and just care about me. that I could act like that with him and only him. I was comfortable with him, he was my brother. but he’s gone. and my heart left with him.
and now, and pardon me, for I may sound selfish, but I’m left with these other friends, that don’t quite get me like he did. I’m still relieved that I do HAVE friends, but they just don’t care like he did, now before I go on any further, I do have ONE friend that actually truly is there for me, that I can talk to about anything (not that I do, some secrets are too deep to tell) She’s become my red kryptonite, I feel strong around her, I just don’t know. but my other friends, they have been drifting away, all picking up their stuff and leaving me, one. by. one. they all leave. at first it was subtle, they’d hang out with other people but still say hi to me, and that was fine, because I was used to that, but now, when I see them in the halls they just pretend like they don’t see me or their too busy to stop and chat.
it does hurt. but they are not the only ones to blame. I too, am in fault. I push people away. alot. without even realizing it. I pushed away the only truly decent guy that’s ever liked me for some jerk that just wanted to get into my pants (he didn’t though, I pushed him away too) I’m truly damaged.
I’ve even started cutting again! what a surprise huh? I’ve stopped cutting in the obvious spots though, so people will continue to think that I’ve stopped. but I do still cut, I cut farther up on my arm, almost on the shoulder. honestly, I cut just before I started writing this post, I’m going to be wearing a shirt with sleeves tomorrow I guess. I just want to sleep forever. is that too much to ask?