If this is what it takes
to show that I’m hurting
then let me die.
If this is what it takes
to show that I want you,
love you,
care for you,
then let me down.
It wouldn’t be the first time you let me down.
When I held the bottle of death,
you yelled, never wept.
Took your sweet time and left.
Gave excuses and never took the blame.
Never accepted being wrong, still it’s the same.
When I needed you,
you never came.
It’s always going to be the same.
So I’ll light another cigarette,
so the smoke will take the scream.
I’ll take the weed if it promises to take the pain,
the regret,
the memories.
Just forget,
they tried to say “You’ll get over it.”
But I didn’t.
I never did.
So I smoke to erase.
I drink until I can’t see anyone’s face.
I cut and burn,
so maybe I won’t hurt.
I laugh away the tears,
to hide the past years.
And if it doesn’t seem to work,
I have nobody’s arms to run into.
I cannot accept,
and say “Hey, this is me.”
For I do not like the face I see.
I don’t know what’s happened to me.
These words spill,
like spilled ink.
I can no longer cry,
for someone who does not hurt for me,
want me,
love me,
hold me.
No, instead kill me;
from the inside out.
As long as you feel me.
I can no longer wait for the pain to be gone.
I’ve been waiting too long.
When nobody’s here to hold me,
to say it’s okay.
I imagine,
what I wish they’d say.
Nothing’s worse than being unwanted,
simply not enough.
So when I ran out of options,
I attempted suicide.
Since nobody stood by my side.
I just want someone to care,
to prevent my heart to tear.
That’s all I’m asking,
and nobody gives me the pieces to put
together.
I cannot pull myself together.
So everyday I ask myself
“What’s the plan?”
I don’t come up with anything,
and I act like I don’t give a damn.
To be continued