I know there are people with bigger problems, but this is really bothering me.
Hereâ€™s a short description of me: Iâ€™m 16, average looking guy, average at sports, not a nerd, very smart, good person…this is me:
My parents think that I have a great life and a lot of friendsâ€¦but Iâ€™m just acting so they donâ€™t have to worry about me. My dad is the problem. He treats me like a kid and everything is my fault. If he gets mad at my sister, I must suffer too. I can see that almost everyone from my family and cousins see a huge failure when they look at me. My mom, grandfather, grandmother, and one cousin are only people that ever showed me love.
You ever feel like that your insides just exploded with emotion because you bottle up your feelings and just put the best “happy face” that you can put on ? Then go through school every week, seeing others be happy while you’re just standing there awkwardly, thinking how you want to be them and that you’re dying on inside. You even start to feel like a huge failure in every way possible, you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror anymore cause you hate what you see. That’s me.
At school, people are making fun of me and calling me freak, fool and I donâ€™t even know why ! Whatever I say, itâ€™s stupid or not funny and at the end Iâ€™m the guy that nobody likes. I’m not shy. I talk to people and to everyone at school (when there are just 2 of us), but when there is a group of people, Iâ€™m the one who doesnâ€™t belong there and they want me away. I sometimes slouch in school and it makes people approach me to ask me why I look so down, but knowing they wont understand, I just tell them I’m tired.
I have some friends but they are not “true” friends (they are in my life so I can just talk to someone). I get criticized and insulted by my “friends” all the time, even though they say they are joking, the jokes are really cruel. People also say I complain, when in truth I am just suggesting something or adding to a conversation by making a counter statement. I can’t get new friends or any girls to have interest me because no one wants to talk to a boring, lame, observant, loser who has no life and nothing interesting happening. When there’s a huge party, I’m not invited and when I ask why I wasn’t invited, they say “Sorry bro, we forgot”. They say that every time. But these friends are better than no friends, right ?
I had only 1 TRUE friend but even he left me. He was just like me, same personality, not so many friends, not so popular.. He got popular and started hanging out with other people. I started hating him. It’s like I was jealous of him because of the attention he was getting. I felt horrible about myself, because he got out of it, out of this “zone of lonelyness” and I didn’t. He started to behave the way others do. Now he treats me like everyone else…like I’m an idiot…it’s like we never were friends…I just lost my f***ing best friend so f*** it I guess then…
People are not bullyng me (physicly). Everybody is avoiding fights with me and that’s a good thing.
I never had a girlfriend. I have never been loved. I have never been hugged. Never. I have never been looked in the eye and told from the heart that I matter. Every girl I ever loved or liked ignored me. I know that there’s nothing wrong with not having a girlfriend at my age but all my “friends” have a girlfriend and it kinda makes me sad. When our little group goes in town to hang out, they all go with their girlfriends exept me. It’s really akward.
You may think that I think too much about others but I’m mostly thinking about myself like “Why is this happening to me?” or “Are others true? Am I really what they say I am?”…things like that.
I rarely smile and I’m more serious than ever. I’m also cold. I don’t care for anybody exept myself. It’s like emotions don’t exist in me anymore.
I’m into music and I quess that is the thing that keeps my mind away from all this crap at the moment (I’m just listening to music, not playing an instrument).
People tell me to be positive, but how can I be positive when s*** around me is negative ?
I don’t know how, why or when I ended up being in this position I’m in. I’m not trying to be someone else, I am myself. No one seems to know my struggle and I’m not planning to tell anyone ’cause I know they won’t undetstand.
I’m not suicidal.Â I’m not emo, I don’t do drugs, drink (ok, sometimes I drink, but I never got drunk), and I’m so good to other people and life is returning me THIS way…it’s just f***ed up….
I just want to get out of this crap. Help me maybe ?