No one has any idea how completely suicidal I am. I know everyone out there must think I should get help. But I do not want help. I want to kill myself before anyone realizes I should get help. And now again, I know what you must think, well why would you be posting on a public forum? Well, I have just bottled up everything for so long without being able to tell a soul. All of my true feelings about everything have just been trapped inside me. I have to lie to everyone about everything all the time. It’s horrible. I literally refuse to make any plans because I’m convinced that tomorrow will be the end.
I did tell one person, my sort of ex-boyfriend, when I was completely drunk. I asked him if he would help me kill myself. I don’t really remember his answer. But later that night he raped me. I don’t know if I can call it rape though, because we have had consensual sex in the past. A year later I found out he raped one of my best friends. I’ve lost all hope in humanity and trust since that.
Monday was my first real suicidal attempt. I’ve written the letters before. I’ve made it to the bridge before. I’ve hung by the rope before. But never made it to a point that could have been fatal. On monday I took the 15 year old girl depressed about not being the most popular girl in school approach. I swallowed 25 benedryls followed by 30 aspirins. My logic was that I’d pass out before that affects happened. Well now I realize how incredibly low the dose  was. It was stupid. I was just puking the rest of the night. By this point I probably sound insane. Well,  I feel as sane as a suicidal person could feel.
I’m honestly not looking for any attention or comments how life is worth it. That’s one major reason why I don’t want anyone to know I’m suicidal. I don’t want peoples’ pity, or unnecessary attention. I don’t want to kill myself so everyone would find out. I just wanted to  tell a small part of my story because I’m sick of my diary, and it feels good knowing someone will read it, since I will never be telling anyone I actually know. It hurts knowing the people closest to you can’t know the real you.
2 comments
I’ve also been depressed and suicidal for years, the intensity changes from mild to severe from time to time but it’s mostly there all the time. though I’ve never had the gutts to try anything as I am in caught in the middle, you know afriad to die afraid to live kinda thing.. plus I’m afraid of trying anything that isn’t 100 % sure cause I dont want to be left with brain damage or something and be fed through a tube for the rest of my miserable life. If I ever do try it will be after proper research and planning so I’m sure it gets the job done. and also I know what you mean about not wanting to tell anyone, I tried talking to my mom a few years ago and her responce was something like “you’re just a lazy bastard, get over it”. fuck everyone, we live in a lonely world where no one can ever understand our pain. humanity is broken. all life is broken. life is a stupid concept in general. just stupid organisms eating eachother for billions of years with no purpose other than “survive”… well this has been a messed up comment, kinda random but whatever
any thoughs about what would make things better? Or there is absolutly nothing that could help?