I’m running out of options. My last hope, before suicide becomes the best choice, is to drop out of college for a while and move away. I just need to live, on my own terms, or not live at all. I mean, I don’t know why we bother with this college, marriage, children bullshit. It’s a trap. This world is so damn big. There is so much more to experience than most people ever do. That’s the point. To experience. I’m absolutely done with this not living crap. If i’m going to stick it out here for any longer, I’ve got to get out of here. Away from college, away from anyone I ever knew, away from all the demons chasing me from my past. I need to just exist. No expectations, no rules, no people to betray me. And you know what, if that whole idea doesn’t work out. I always have an escape plan. I have lupus, so I have a shit ton of pills I could take anytime. A dangerous cocktail. No waking up from that!
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3 comments
My last hope… if only that were true. We are creatures of hope that hope badly, hope getting in the way.
Running to and from the past and future, the jokes on us, the past and the future exist only in the present.
The problem with running away is that you always take you with you; our daemons feeding off the energy of our flight of escape – they can only be defeated by confrontation.
Starting over somewhere new may be just what you need if you keep your eyes open.
The expectation of no expectation is a big expectation to live up to!
The no rule rule a harsh a rule as any.
As for betrayal… the betrayal we never see coming is the one that come from ourselves. The one who will betray us most is ourselves….
For reasons unknown it seems that transformation starts from a place of betrayal.
From betrayal we experience a death, and only after death can there be a resurrection, and resurrection, transformation. Most of us get stuck somewhere along the path. Death is hard and painful so most of us would rather die than face it.
I wish you well. Starting over is an adventure and as we know from our stories all adventures start with loss and letting go, and letting go always requires a dying. Just be careful what it is you let die.
Speaking as someone who has ODd numerous times…. WAY beyond what the internet says is a lethal dose.
Some times it works. Most time not so much.
What ARE you looking for from life? Can I help?
I don’t know what I’m looking for. I used to look for people I could count on, that would love me for me and not leave. But that never works. My boyfriend broke up with me after six months, completely unexpectedly. He had talked about marriage and promised over and over that I was his one and only and he’d never leave. Yesterday, he told me that he didn’t love/care about me and he never did. I guess, he just got into the relationship just to hurt me. He doesn’t have to hurt because of it. He gets to go be happy, and I get to be destroyed, because the one person I’ve trusted in years was only deceiving me. It hurts so bad I could scream. Last summer, my friends decided I wasn’t good enough for them and kicked me out of their lives too. People keep discarding me. I can’t handle it anymore. Not to mention everything else I’ve been through…Now, I just want to be alone or dead. People only cause pain.