Leaving behind the best

My greatest fear when thinking about taking my own life is the family I have with me and that care for me. I’m so lucky to have both my parents together still, and that would do anything for me. I also have a sister, brother in law, and two nieces whom all of I adore. I’m 24 years old and I feel like I’ve never experienced a normal life. I’m gay,and I also have other problems that make me self conscious of my appearance so I hate being in public or any places with many people, so I cant go to gay bars or any social events.

My condition also makes my body so painful, I feel aching all over my body, like I’m 100 years old. Nobody understands the pain, “try working at a factory for 25 years” I’m told. I just finished school after 5.5 years in college and got an associates degree and graduated with high honors, yet I cant even get an employer to respond to a resume. Makes me feel so worthless.

One of my biggest disappointments or causes of depression is my love life. I’ve dated a few guys, and fell in love with one, though I’m not sure what love is when its not family, but I thought it was love. He dumped me via chat for no distinct reason, I never got much closure and that hurts. Ever since he has dumped me, 3 years ago around this time, I cant get him out of my mind. He added me on facebook after I unfriended him when he dumped me, and I see he now has a b/f and that makes me jealous and upset. I unfriended him again, he never spoke to me anyways and was always posting pictures that made me upset and/or jealous. I feel like I’d only be happy if I had him, or someone knew came along that made me feel like he did. I have all the family love I could possibly wish for, but a personal relationship is what I need most. I’ve never had a best friend and I need someone to fulfill that for me. I feel like I’ll always be along, never attractive enough for the guys I’m attracted to. Most just want to sleep around anyways, so its pointless for me to hope. Everyone tells me not to be picky, but I want to be attracted to the person I plan to spend my life with.

Whats the point of continuing when I can’t even have the opportunity to have a person to love and have a relationship with? I cannot be alone any longer. I have no job, no friends, no money, no boyfriend, nothing to live for but my family. All I think about when I thinking about ending my life is my family and their reactions, and leaving behind my beautiful nieces, though I don’t want to stick around and be this horribly depressed. I’m on medication and some days I feel fine but lately, I feel so worthless and unloved.