I feel numb right now, Â maybe of the anti depressants im taking, they make me feel weird. I cant sleep even though ive taken enough sleeping tablets to knock me out 3 times. I dont have anyone to talk to. I dont have the energy to write details, but here is my basic story.
My life for as long as I can remember has been unhappy, Ive been physically & mentally abused all my life. It made me insecure, I developed an eating disorder, self harmed and was suicidal a long time, I told myself when i’m older I wont feel like this and it will go away. I broke free from the situation I was in, I started living in supported accommodation and got away from my family life. I blocked everything out so much that it got to the point where I almost forgot everything, I never looked back at the past, and the rare occasion that I did, I found it hard to believe that was even me, I questioned whether it was even real, it seemed bizarre that I was that depressed for so long, and that I done the things that  I did to myself, and had the issues I did. I lived a happy life, lots of friends, amazing social life and really popular, nobody knew about my past. I worked hard and saved money and went to the other side of the world, I promised myself that if things ever got bad out there I would never, ever return, even though I had a good life with my friends and social life, this place is always going to be associated with the bad people. 8months after being there things went bad, I wasnt getting a lot of work and couldnt afford to live, I was basically jobless and homeless on the other side of the world with nowhere to turn to. I had problems having sex with a guy I met. That brought everything back, the self harm, the thoughts of suicide. I remembered the promise I made to myself, I tried to kill myself. It didnt work, I was at a loss and didnt know what to do, so I turned to the people who I never thought I would, the only people I really had to turn to. My parents booked me a flight back, within days of being home the way things used to be continued. All my problems that I had got over come back, it was as if I had jumped back into this depressed person I managed to forget, instantly. I struggled with the fact I had come home to this, I would rather be dead the other side of the world than this. I was mad at myself for not sticking to my promise and forgetting how bad things were back here. I felt stuck. Things got bad so I went and stayed with a friend for a few weeks, when I got back home he did it again, I was screaming for my mam and he told me that she wouldnt be able to hear me. Thats the first time id screamed for her, in the past she just ignored anything that went on, but I felt helpless. I bit his hand to try get him off me cos its all I could do, he had me pinned down. My mam eventually come and he got off me and walked out the room, she apologised for letting this happen for so long and said she would leave him. This was the first time in over 20 years she had acknowledged anything.. A day later  I went home and he had managed to persuade her that she didnt see what she saw. I was devistated, I couldnt believe it. My friend picked me up and ive lived with her ever since. Now im on anti depressants, i have nightmares, I hate that I come back here, I dont have a stable home, Im scared to go out, I dont see my friends, I havent had one phonecall or text off my mam to see how I am and its been months. Im angry at what hes done. The anger doesnt go away so I end up taking it out on myself, Ive slipped back into the person I worked so hard to forget. I knew that I wouldnt be able to handle it if i ever got this low again, I dont know what to do.