I don’t quite understand why it feels so much easier to write about my problems then to say them out loud I suppose it’s like my thoughts are my own little secret I mean that’s what your mind is for right? A space where you can detach yourself from reality if only for a few moments and go somewhere.. be it a memory or completely make up.. But no amount of day dreaming will save me from myself, Let me start off by saying I am now 19 years old to be 20 in August and have suffered from clinical depression for 4 years, I have attempted suicide twice and twice landed me in hospital. I don’t really know when it all started exactly.. all I know is that I can’t hide from myself..my life..my past..my mistakes, Your meant to be aloud to make mistakes so that you can learn and better yourself.. it’s all about growing up they’d say.. but what if in your own mind your mistakes.. your past are the worst and no one understands or no other compares.. I speech so much of how life is precious to others and yet don’t take my own advise, My Dad had moved us out of our home to start “a new” so he said little did we know he had a motive then it came out after we had moved, moved away from family and friends.. It doesn’t sound big but moving at 11 years old is a stressful situation I hated the place we moved to so much.. I had 2 friends well atleast I thought at the time and I was severely bullied in school, His main motive was to leave My mother me and my 2 sisters for another woman but not just any woman my mothers best friend whom we all knew .. her kids played with us and we went on holidays together so inevitably they got a divorce, so we were homeless for 6 months because we had spent all our money on this “new life”then we finally moved back home and I started Secondary school which would be my second level education like highschool or anything else And once again I was bullied in school but I got over that.. I felt strong for some reason my mind set at the time was “I won’t let them hurt me because no one can hate me as much as I hate me” so I coped never trusting anyone because whenever I did I was the one who got hurt, So I started messing around with the wrong crowd and started to smoke weed and hash nothing to major and I stopped after an unfortunate accident where I smoked to much and fell of a ruin of a castle and split my head open, I was raped when I was 15 by my boyfriend and I know what your thinking .. Its not rape he was your boyfriend..no this was rape.. he was 18 and I was 15 and I still can’t get into details about this it still makes me feel uncomfortable but at the age I was I never said anything I was so scared and I thought no one would believe me I started thinking it was my fault.. I did something.. I started doing bad things I started to see my best friends boyfriend behind her back and always denied anything and I never once felt guilty because I thought “look at her she has everything she wont miss him, he is mine” but that was so silly and childish I finally came clean to her and she now has a baby with this man and we haven’t spoken since,my friends when I was growing up were so cruel to me but then again I deserved it because I had done some horrible things so even though these things made me cry I suffered because I felt it was my punishment.. and I felt that wasnt enough so I started cutting myself, I needed to hurt myself more for many things at this time I was 16 and I just couldn’t handle my life I went into a spiral or thoughts and thoughts “It’s my fault I was raped” “It’s my fault my parents split up Im just like my mams best friend” “I deserve to be bullied because im worthless” “It’s my fault I have no friends I dont deserve them anyway” Eventually the cutting wasn’t enough.. I had grown numb to its sharp pain.. But I still had to punish myself for what I had done and then one day it happened.. and I dont even know how it’s like I blacked out and dont remember doing anything (I’m not mentioning the method I used for safety reasons) The next thing I knew I was  being asked questions but I convinced everyone it was an accident and it wont happen again it was just an accident and for awhile I started to believe my own lie.. sure why wouldnt i?  I had no memory of doing such a thing so I convinced myself it WAS an accident.. and for awhile I felt ok I really did.. I started to not feel so numb inside and started not putting on a face to act happy It was genuine atleast I think and I had met someone.. someone I had once again stole from one of my so called friends and I was in that same mindset of “no you can’t have him you have to much he is mine” and i slipped into a pattern but I felt ok with this guy he made me forget how miserable I was for just a bit he made me believe not everyone us going to hurt me and then it happened .. in the park with my boyfriend and my other friend I knew from school ..And I would mess with my friend while we walked around and started playing on the swings in the playground in the park but he didnt like the attention I was giving my friend and when I didnt answer him he grabbed my neck and pushed me against a swing bar with my friend yelling out “jesus christ” and everyone in the park looking at us.. I didnt think there was anything wrong and I said it was accident .. he never said sorry but the again he didnt need to I had already said it for him really… me and him broke up anyway and once again I felt like it was my fault that im not pretty enough or I talked to someone or I looked at someone so feeling as low as I was feeling It was nothing compared to when my Nanny died my nanny who I had adored.. she had suffered from tongue cancer and after cemo and radiation and an operation to remove half her tongue she said no more so.. she died and when the funeral came around since it was my dads mother me my mother and my 2 sisters were ignored at the funeral and treated like we never knew her… my dad never said anything to me because he had found out I was smoking, he loved saying to me “Your nanny just died of cancer from smoking and you start” he would tell me to stop but who was he to tell me what to do? he had givenup his parental right on me since he decided to commit adultery, so after my nanny died I began to slip back into a familiar feeling.. I didn’t start cutting this time.. no I had a plan this time.. my mother would be away for a week in Bulgeria for her yearly trip with her sisters and it would just be me, one of my sisters and my nanny on my mothers side.. so once again  I was in hospital but I remembered everything this time.. well not everything I remember the ambulance I remember being on a monitor .. I remember being put on a bad but it was more than I remembered that time .. this time they knew it wasn’t an accident and kept me in the hospital for 2 weeks .. I hated it I felt like a prisoner I was put on suicide watch .. I was so angry! all I could think of “who do these people think they are? just because your a specialist in this subject I wont talk to you” then I met this woman..I still remember her face but not her name.. she spoke to me like a person .. not a patient that had escaped a mental institution I wanted to tell her everything but was scared still they would not believe me .. but I bit the bullet and talked ..
(This is started to really get long I will explain more in Part 2)
5 comments
Hi Rose, I think you did good to share some of your story. Can’t be easy, sounds like you have had a tough couple of years. I hope to hear the rest of the story. If you ever need someone to talk to, or anything like that feel free to email me. maybe if I could help you feel a little better, I wouldn’t feel so useless. We all make so many mistakes, we are only human. We can only change the future, not the past. You shouldn’t let your mistakes consume you. You are a person! You think that everyone doesn’t have doubt and worries? Just some people are better at hiding it. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and like I said if you want to talk, I’d like to listen. Wingkongexchange@hushmail.com
Hi Lestatbarrenheart thank you for taking time to read my story, I will post the rest of the story later tonight bringing the story to where I am now in my life and my mind set right now, I feel better writing out my feelings then talking about them there is always some sort of a safe barrier hiding behind a laptop screen, Thank you for your email address and I’ll be sure to save it in my hotmail contacts.
As you get older all these set backs and past traumas stack up cluttering your mind, preventing you from moving on. You need to find a way to wipe the slate clean and start afresh. The important thing is to realise that no one really holds it against you except yourself. Not everyone gets the best start in life but don’t let it drag you down. Your vulnerable and susceptible because your not streetwise. Switch off from the world, find out what you want, what’s going to make you better and then see it out.
Hey @Rosegirl, are you still going to write part 2?
Yes, of course I will when I am in the right frame of mind, please be patient