No one cares no one

I was about 11 when I realized nobody cared I mean family is suppose to care. I never had a stable family drugs or liquor ruined my family yet there sober now and they are so caught up in the mess they made that I’m invisible to them. I am no longer sober from liquor today just was so bad I had to drink my psychiatrist  thinks I’m crazy because of the scars on my arm I had to show him.. I broke down and cried in front of people I never cry in front of people. It’s just it’s hopeless. I don’t feel like trying anymore. The whole world can fuck off. I CAN’T STOP CUTTING. I’m so lost if there is god I would hope he would save me I’m stuck I’m stuck. I just I feel like I’m being ripped apart. I’m constantly shaking. It’s all because of me I did it I deserve it. I need help I fear to die without knowing what love is or having a real friend or living being happy being free. I just need to feel okay cause it hurts to think after all that trying I still am sad. Nothing will never be enough I know this. I don’t eat anymore. I started drinking again. I just want to be die. It’s what it is and it is not okay. I have to except the fact that my life will be like this forever. Life is short but this time it was bigger than the strength to get off my knees.