I think it’s time for me to go. I’m still fucked up, if not more fucked up than when I first came here. Trevor loves Kendall, and I think it’s time for me to realize it. Yeah, he flirts with me, but he flirts with pretty much every girl; he’s a flirty person. He doesn’t like me. My grandma isn’t going to get better. Lacey and Papa aren’t going to come back. My parents love my little sister more than they love me. I can’t make them happy. I take all Pre-AP courses offered, I quit cutting, I’ve never had detention, I’ve kept all A’s, […]
March 2013
This awful stillness. This heaviness in my chest that saps me of all my energy and leaves me feeling depressed an hopeless.  I can’t cry and there’s nothing I want to do. I don’t want to stand, sit, walk, run, play video games, watch tv, draw, hang out with friends, read, go for a car ride, write this post. Nothing. There’s just nothing. I don’t want to exist.  How selfish is that? haha. Mom, Dad. You suck.
i can’t fucking believe you! i pour my heart out to you and all you take from it is some imaginary threat? are you paranoid or something? why is it all about you?wow i am stunned. i leave your office sobbing-again. aren’t you supposed to be keeping me from killing myself? instead of throwing fuel on the fire? how can you be so tone deaf? first it was ” am i on the list” ? like i even know you or something. then you are offended by my surprise that you called me at the hut. then you are offended again that i was surprised […]
In early 2009 I started dealing with severe recurrent depression, even though I was undiagnosed at the time. Â I’m sure many of you know what that feels like. Â I felt like my life had no point, none of my classes were interesting, I didn’t want to hang out with my friends, and I just hated everything and everyone, especially myself. Â All of these emotions just kept building up until I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Â In September of that year I tried to overdose on sleeping pills. Â I calculated what the lethal dose for someone my size would be, and took that plus a few […]
its been there on and off for the past couple of years, its around my chest cavity. i yearn for it. it makes me feeling something, better than this numb state of being
Being a science major in high school …..its hard….i cut but i know im anaemic ……i dont eat even i know i may get an ulcer …i pass out at nights because i am so weak yet still i do this every day …
Enough of my confusion….the next poem name is Words.
Scars around your body
Blood flowing from your heart
to your vein through your skin
Splint in two by the red ***
Bruises internally . each word they said
scars your soul to hate this day
Words of regret, Words of mistakes
Words to make you not want to see another day
Knife to your heart, Blade to your soul
The last breath […]
i wonder if i do it all by myself
make my life harder than it needs to be
make it more confusing
more complicated
and yet, all the more pointless
i find no joy in the things that used to make me happy
while i find no joy in new things either
and so no joy is found
perhaps the person in charge of the treasure hunt for my happiness overestimated me, and hid my happiness in the stars
or perhaps they got distracted by the stars, and forgot to hide my happiness anywhere at all
I still feel like my life is over, and as such, it makes no sense that I continue to breathe and consume resources. Am I suicidal? Sometimes. Not as much as I was a few months ago. I’m giving time a chance to do its thing. Pain is easier to compartmentalize now, and I like the meds I’m on. I function. I’ll never be happy again, per se, but I can get by. Everyone else on here has a worse life than I do. Suicide is more of a fantasy I don’t want to let go […]
What is life? What is death?
Such words countlessly repeated.
What is after? What was before?
A bird in a cage has no use for such answers.
Brocken wings, muted songs,
For life will exhaust them before long.
What is this wonderful world you speak of?
I look, I search,
I desperatly yearn for a revelation.
But I see grey, I see ugliness,
I see the bars in hoplessness.
When all smiles could faked and all cheers could be fabricated,
Even love will be twisted.
What is remaining? What should I be searching?
Only the self satifaction of daydreaming.
Let me sleep, let me dream, let me wander away from my cage.
I don’t want this heart anymore
Some time from nowhere comes a shining light. some times, from the strangest places.  today is just another day,like any other . but a light shined inside my window today ,in the form of a little penguin who love to surf. and with the will and the faith and determination over came all odds.   the film was nice i smile and looked at myself , and listen to the closing song on the sound track and heard something strange in the  lyrics. Did i hear it right. I raced to the laptop and found the song and was in shock. to see and hear the words to this song .  It made […]
I don’t know why I feel this way. I use to be a mellow, laid back person. I worked hard, but only if the benefits outweighed the costs. I graduated high school, got into a university. I did everything I was told to do and everything that was expected of me. My whole purpose had been drilled into me to get to college. Never anything else. Now I have a job and attend classes. No one even looks this way now. As long as I continue to work and take classes I am ignored. Until they want something of course. My father, does not even […]
“Butterflies can’t see their wings. They can’t see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well.â€
I’m sorry I don’t meet their expectations for me.
I’m sorry I can’t find the motivation to work hard anymore.
I’m sorry I thought they would always be there for me.
I’m sorry I can’t stand the sight of my own reflection.
I’m sorry that I always sleep too much or not enough.
I’m sorry that I feel the need to lie to everyone about my feelings.
I’m sorry for wanting to kill myself,
and I’m sorry for not offing myself already.
I tried to kill myself because I could not become and RCMP officer.
Ever since I was 12 I wanted a wife, kids, and to be a doctor.  It was the perfect life to me, to have all that happiness as soon as possible.  I’m with the girl of my dreams, the girl who can be the one.  She even use to say she wants all of that…with me.  Starting two months ago though she seems to be ignoring me and not talking to me like she use to.  The anniversary rituals seemed to have stopped.  I went to the hospital today and she was worried and was talking to me more than she has been.  It made […]
I’m that guy that has been shit on more than anybody knows. Early days as a kid I was harassed daily and tormented by fellow classmates because of my mothers crack addiction. The only reason they knew was because their parents did drugs along with my mother. Was born with a bad foot which pretty much opted me out of any sports or doing well as I could. Shyness throughout the years was difficult to deal with as I learned to talk to females and learn what they wanted and what they saw. My father has been in prison all my life and haven’t read […]
Do you guys think panic attacks are…wimpy? My mom does. Actually, I just had one a moment ago. She says she doesn’t want tantrums at her house. I can’t help it though. I’ll start hyperventilating, and suddenly I start screaming my head off. I’m so stressed I can’t take it anymore! These attacks just come and go. Anything can trigger them. Every time I have one, I just feel so weak and worthless. But this time I almost got my razor out. I don’t even have anything to be depressed about. I have no right to be depressed!
Hearts beats together as one
Brown eyes stare
Hand shivers at your embrane
Knees weaken
What, Why is this happen
Tears falls
A silent mumble
Falls slowly to the ground
Will you be there to lift me back up
No no you wont
These emotions, these feelings
Of solitude , of loneliness has overcome me
No clue nor understanding
What do you want of me
I am dead , cold ice cold
These emotions have caused murder
I died in solitude and alone
Hand-written 🙂
Listen well to doctor man
Eat well and live well if you can
Take your pills and put the bad away
And exercise each and every day
And then you’ll find a better land
Doctor man, he knows best
Won’t let you out to join the rest
Who wandered out into the black
Won’t let you go walkin on that track
As long as you don’t leave a mess
Doctor man, armed well with meds
So what if they mess with your head
No need for all this pain and fear
Ye’ll get better, give it a year
Even if, you just feel dead
Doctor man says, go […]
Hello, ladies and gents!
First of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Joni. I am 17.
and well, like everyone else here, I’ve battled back and forth with negative thinking.
I was never officially diagnosed, but I have struggled with an eating disorder since middle school. Now, I am much better. I love to eat. I was never actually bad in the first place, but a couple of times I could have passed out. Now I have blood sugar problems, but nothing unfixable!
What I deal with the most is the ocd/anxiety/depression. Though I am healing, I still have many many days where I just feel completely […]