Gonna post some poems would love some feedback on them when they go up 🙂
March 2013
This world… Has no peace.
You may scream and beg… Your pleas are vetoed.
Curse and yell all you want… You’re brushed to a lonely dark.
Every shuddering pain… Overlaps your life.
Sitting in this moon tonight.
Its light almost blinds me..
I feel vulnerable to natures grasp.
Soon… I hope I’m as cold as the ground I lay.
it’s been a while.. and the thought of doing suicide came again last night.
Life”s been up and down. i’m afraid of being happy, coz in the blink of my eyes things just got worse.
It’s messy now, i’m screwed. Expectations gone wilder.
Been on edge, i’ll let myself fall, just a lil push, i won’t fight.
If only there’s an easy way to go from this fucked up situation.
Whether that be through a botched surgery or adverse effect to a medication? Â For me personally my life was ruined by my dentist who removed my mercury fillings without using proper precautions and exposed me to a shitload of mercury and basically destroyed my brain. Â I then got tested for my mercury levels but for some reason they showed up at “normal” levels whatever that means. Â I know I’m poisoned though so psychologists/psychiatrists called me delusional and gave me the diagnosis of schizophrenia. Â My life is over and has been for quite some time. Â Is this all there is to life?
The Peacock of Good Fortune and Prosperity. I wish you all good luck with your lives and may the sun shine and warm your backs for eternity. Through days that seem of gloom and nights that sound of terror, I hope you will feel safe with this peacock. I hope prosperity for those who don’t have the best homes, and I know that pretty much everywhere, not many can pay their bills each month. I wish you all well, because I […]
How do I write a suicide note? What do I even say? How do I describe and make others see this pain that just wouldn’t go away? How can I put them in my place–how do I make them see that only in committing this selfish act I could truly have peace? How do I make them understand that this is the way it had to be? What can I say to make them know the problem with my life is that it was lived by me?
I feel like tonight is the night. I counted down for three weeks… hoping, waiting, wishing, dreaming, believing that […]
Well have not been on in a long while now …been going through alot of problems , just back to say hey and to check up on people
As we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.
Favorite line from my favorite song. But moving forward.
I’ve been plagued with the world’s worse bout of depression I’ve ever felt. Its not that I havn’t felt this way before, but the difference here is that I can’t cry; and something about that seems to be hindering my healing process. Quite frankly though, I’m getting tired. Very tired.
I feel like I’m going insane, and the stillness I’m experiencing is like an inner ring of hell. I’m depressed to a point where there’s NOTHING I want to do, which makes no sense seeing as […]
There is something wrong with me…I’m just not sure what it is. Most of the time I’m sad, and at other times I don’t really feel anything. It’s like I’m numb. Maybe I’m overreacting or just really dramatic but it’s been this way for almost two years now. I always have thoughts of killing myself. The idea of it scares me and usually when I am thinking about doing it, I talk myself out of it. I’m scared that one of these times I might actually go through with it and then what? I know my family would miss me and so would very few […]
It wasn’t violent, the attempted rape. It was mostly tearful, with me pleading for the man to stop. And sick and disgusting. It smelled gross and dirty. I could smell his sweat, I can still smell his sweat. I will never forget it. I will still remember the scent after he got done, after he realised I want going to let him. I fought in my drunkenness.
He had told me that he wanted to talk to me.
William Triplett was his name. He was an ex of mine, and I had just turned 16, and he was 25. I was desperate to find someone […]
While loneliness is a major issue for me, it appears there are many others whose mindset is similar to mine, a desire to end it. While many of you are younger, and I am not, I seek someone to share one last road trip with. To the Lost Coast and Redwood forests of northern California. Starvation/dehydration will be my method. A few final days of music, nature, and a final enjoyable meal. I am not abusive or aggressive in any way, which is part of my problem, we meek and humble sorts just don’t function well in a dog-eat-dog world. […]
What just happened?
Everything was going so well. It’s already seven p.m. and I haven’t felt suicidal all day. For me, that is a huge accomplishment. I spent the day with real smiles on my face. I felt like I was alive again. I thought “maybe everything will be all right now.”
I was wrong of course, I’m not all right.
Seven months. Seven fucking months I was cut free.
Not anymore. One cut, just one little slice and a few drops of crimson from that little shard of glass I keep in my room. Suddenly those seven months are gone. Just like that, one moment of weakness.
My promises are broken, the […]
I’ve been hurt a lot from someone I trusted I actually think I loved him I let him get a little close still arms distance. He knew things about me he knew I cut and I am suicidal. I did not tell him but he surprised me and just showed up I forgot to put a jacket on and he saw the new cuts. He got angry really angry. He told me I was selfish and then he just left. I always thought that I liked being alone but no I’m just afraid that people will leave. I thought that a normal person would hold me and […]
I can’t believe it.
She’s gonna die. She hasn’t died yet, but she’s on the brink.
My BEST FRIEND who has cancer is going to be gone forever. I just don’t know what to do! I can’t help her because I’m not magical, but I can’t help feeling that I’m supposed to do something. Seriously, I’m just lost.
She has an overall positive attitude about it, on the outside. But if you have a best friend, you can tell when they are actually fine and when they are scared shitless. She is scared shitless, and who can blame her?
She has less than a year to live. What am […]
I can really feel myself shrink when I’m at school, the amount of negative feelings toward myself kind of made me uneasy and it’s not even that even that it’s the amount of time I’ve spent feeling THIS bad about myself from from 6th-10th grade(now) and the amount of anger and emotion that I have I do feel bad about carrying so much of it but it’s like I can’t pinpoint my exact problems with my depression sometimes it feels like it’s the same problems repeating themselves and it’s hard to feel good about myself and say that it’ll be alright because after so much […]
Anew on the morning sunrays I began another day
with an entire white oblong pill (vice 1/2 a tablet) on my way to the bottom of the well/or to evade the bottom of the well…
Why can I not climb or simply descend to find the floor of the well?
At the very least the waterfalls have lessend and speaking any hellos with strangers no longer turns on the torrents of tears
For this I am grateful
What I knew to be a possibility has not surfaced
in fact this new reality is far from how I thought it would be
I grew up in the church. Hell, I should say I was the church. At many of the churches I attended, my five older siblings, my parents, the pastor, and I made up the whole congregation. But that didn’t matter. Because the God I knew and loved was there. He was in my church, he was in my thoughts, he was in my life… but somewhere along the lines, one of us left. Now, it’d be easy to point fingers and say that I left. After all, I’m the human being shaped in iniquity, and He’s the all-knowing God. But me? Why would I leave? […]
How do I begin…
Is this the end? The beginning to my goodbye note? I remind myself that I’m not doing it for anybody else, only for myself. Once I’m done, that’s it, you know. There’s no going back, no second chance or “wait I change my mindâ€. I just really don’t want to feel anything anymore. I have no purpose and no drive to even try to find one. I don’t want to find one. I’ve had this battle for so long that it’s nice to throw in the towel, raise up the white flag and declare, I give up. No more.
And that should be […]
Waking up–that’s the hardest thing for me to do. I find myself tired all of the time. It’s not so much that I am physically tired as it is that I am mentally tired, and my brain transmits the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and restlessness to the rest of my body. My dreams are a blur… images of things that I can’t get to make sense, my meaningless days played back and forth for my mind to review. Scenes for my brain to recount so it can ask itself, “What went wrong?” and “How the hell did we end up here?” Sleep is supposed to […]
We carry the scars on our bodies everywhere we go. We carry the scars on our hearts. We carry the fear someone will see them, we carry the shame when people do. We carry pins, knives, razors. We carry bandaids & disinfectant. We carry a little kernel of hope that we will get out of this. We carry hearts so heavy they drag on the ground. We carry our bloodstained clothes. Sometimes we carry hospital bills for stiches. Othertimes we carry them for therapists. We are the burdens on our families, we are the misunderstood. We are the ones who people stay away from when […]