i think i went over a month without cutting. now i’ve done it nearly every day for 5 days. My head hurts, my mouth hurts, my throat hurts… i think i’m just forcing myself to live until my next shrink appointment. is that the way my life is going to go? making myself resist suicide until the next month’s appointment? i’m such a loser. i have so much cleaning to do, so much happiness to fake. stuck between wanting to eat and wanting to starve, but wanting and doing are two different things. i will always eat, because food is all i’ve really got.
March 2013
I get the feeling that you need something for security, as in cutting/self harm, something that indicates that your still alive. I am not going to sugarcoat this, because for people throw a pity party for themselves. Even if your going through something, because we all do, you are the author of your own fate. “But my mom/dad/both don’t care about me. I did that because of what they did to me.†Like I said, it’s up to you with what you do with your life, don’t let other people influence how you walk down your own path. If you do drugs, alcohol, smoke, don’t […]
What will I type? What message am I oddly eager to send, although once I begin typing I have to force myself to continue. This terrible apathy that I have acquired, where I care not when I see my mother rotting away, a wasted life, why do I feel the need to add one more silly post in the thousands that languish here already. In this curious journey of reaching another state of mind, I find myself hating my apathy, oh the irony. All that we, the youth at least, need is a sense of purpose. And if not that, then we would oh so […]
my throat hurts.. I’m in journalism thinking things over.. Wondering if i should cut, I almost did last night and I wanted it deep… I wanted it so I couldn’t walk only limp…It’s hard to cry.. my best friend is in Hawaii for ten days leaving me stuck alone. I guess I’ve managed to rope myself in a weird sex slave agreement thing but I don’t know.. just doing things to take my  mind of the buzzing in my head and throbbing in my throat.. too sad to type or think rationally, I just want to break down in front of this screen but I’m […]
Today i feel so low, i can’t help but cry inside not letting the outside know just how bad i feel.
I just sleep, i want to sleep all the time and never wake up , How amazing would that be!!!!!
Felt like every one around me is moving, talking and carrying on with there life’s. just texted my mum and said i feel really low and its brushed over. my husband is home and i feel so alone. i really hate this fucking world and i hate it that i am still in it dealing with my shit day after day.
Doesn’t matter what my name is… all you need to know, what what i know now, is that I am irrelevant know. Because if you are reading this now, than i have gone. You can assume where i have gone but for some reason, this is where i wanted it to be. just so people can know. i don’t give a shit if you care, you may not; you may also be the same as me; for a am leaving. I am gone. After i finish this short, quite brief paragraph, i am gone. left this world, now, i am irrelevant; i don’t exist anymore. […]
more than ones
iv fell at the mile
twice agen i swam the see
and sunk in to the deep
more than ones iv climd the tall tree of life to see if i can breeth and evrey time i was holled back by hands that wish to keep me
i tern heads on the street not because of me but of what i have becom the slict up drugd up boy who criys for help and never heres a word of it all we have is hope that the key is nere biy
im in my cell thinking i can see the gint of the key
all shiney in the dark […]
Donna calls politely
Over the loudspeaker
Lunch is ready
Line up in front
If you have a chore
Oddly the sports section
Is here on the table
Crown Vic’s went new
Its full page ad reads
Just $18,6 in March of ’94
Two vets planning to buy
A couple of scratch-offs
Walking laps 13 to a mile
They’ll go together
On the way home
tgif. please help me someone! please! i dont want to go to hell…they hve been snickering n being cruel all morning, things in the pst that are transient in time. i hate them.
I am a cutter.  For about a year now.  It has grown a bit more and more each month, where I have to do a bit more.  I hate when my old cuts heal and fade.  I *love* to look at my blood drip down my arms or legs.  I love to wipe it up with tissue and lately I leave a bit of it on the walls or just “somewhere”….. not really sure why - I guess I just want to.
I just think my blood is beautiful in its own way.  I keep medical tape with me pretty much all the time so if I […]
any ways, here again , just thought id try one last time , shame to quote shit here there and every where but things are never going to get better , its only took 12 years to figure this out – as much vodka and drugs are never going to fix me , just make me feel worse the next day , its not as if i have nothing to live for , i just dont seem to aperciate what i have , strange but true .
I have no one left to turn to. I’m living day to day wrapped up in the web of lies that I spun. I’ve hurt everyone I’ve ever known. My future doesn’t exist. I have a plan. I’m going to spend my savings on a plane ticket to the South Pacific and kill myself on a desert island. I’m 90% there.. just a month or two more with the people I Love.
Note to self: What the fuck is your life when you can’t live and you can’t die? What’s it going to take and how long is it going to take? Be practical. Start living your life (hah, right?) or take your life because you’re wasting time and you’re wasting other people time. Stop thinking and start doing. You could be at peace or start building peace – it’s up to you.
This is goodbye. To everyone who cared i am so sorry for this. Ive been in a drak place for a few years and there is nothing in my life to keep me from doing this. I have been struggling and no one ever seems to care. i just cant keep pretending to be happy when im not. The smile i wore was fake and you all thought i was happy but the demons inside me were too much to bear. I am sorry if i hurt anyone but please know that i am going to be in a happier place. Please dont cry for […]
It all started when my friend since preschool committed suicide. We were not best friends or anything, but that was just him. He was a shy quiet kid, good family, church boy, track star, and a really good kid. I heard about it from my sister on the night he hung himself, and then as expected, from everyone at school the net day. Everyone was talking about it, saying they were best friends, writing the date on their backpacks or arms, and I sat there just getting angrier and angrier that he would leave me here. He left me all alone, and now I have […]
Today is much like tomorrow, and yesterday was so similar to today, and I already know next week as it was in fact the last
Its almost surprising, the
Last time I had a coherent thought was nearly two years ago and every day hence is and will, in fact, always be
Shit
I am alive, I am dead. I am one, wanting the other. I am both, wanting neither
Tomorrow perhaps, I could act
Act As If
Who once I Â Was
Is
Who I still Am
But
Truthfully, reality does not forgive and it does not forget, do not act as if the stars pause their flight
To appease the wants of reacting molecules
the, chance I […]
Do not mix. I joined a dating site last night and I actually found myself hoping nobody would contact me. Of course they did but I realized I was deathly afraid of actually meeting any of these people. I kind of just wanted it all to go away.
It didn’t used to be this bad. About six months ago after my roommate’s wedding, something snapped and my BPD just spun out of control. Now I’m afraid of making new friends, meeting women, and even having extended conversations with people I know well. Borderline sucks ass. It’s seriously miserable because I’m not happy with people and not […]
Tonight my parents found an empty beer bottle in my room. (I’ve taken to drinking when I feel down) They made a big deal out of it, unaware that the same night I drank it I had also downed a considerable amount of rum and two more beers. The other bottles were hidden only a few feet from the one they found, and there have been countless other drinks I’ve had that I threw out any evidence of. I think I might be an alcoholic, on top of being plagued by suicidal thoughts. My parents were quick to point out to me that there have been […]
I need this.. I need it.. what is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? i don’t want to do this anymore..
I’m going to break! Ahh :'( It hurts soooo bad to cry.. like you have no idea.. I feel so depressed today.. ‘down in the dumps’ I can’t take it.. I want to cut.. that’s breaking my 6 month going.. ahh :'( well im gunna..