“Pain changes people.” -House

I wrote here 3 years ago about my pain and about my suicidal thoughts. When I look back at those days from now, I see a human that has fallen to betrayal, mental and emotional abuse. I was a kind, caring and loving person. I used to help people as much as I can and try to make things right. None at that time did really care but I did my best regardless. Then I was betrayed by my girlfriend and members of my family. Most friends did not seem really to care. Others just made things seem easy. Honestly speaking I was an emo but I never knew (acted like them and listened to emo music). People abused me because I was too sensitive and caring. It was too hard for me to live after my girlfriend left me since I loved her with all my heart. I used to cry each night all alone. I was pretty much going for suicide but I had some hope that things might get better. In those dark times I failed in my finals in most of the subjects I had (for the first time ever). Although I had done my best. So I was pretty upset even more, things went darker and darker. My family treated me as a failure. I cried every single day. I hurt myself on purpose trying to relieve my emotional pain. There was no one to help me. I was alone in such unbearable pain. Until one day I knew that I had to let go my emotions. It was impossible at first, but each day as I cry I kept telling myself “I am an undead, undead do not feel, undead do not cry.”. I kept suppressing my pain till I became a walking dead. I really feel no more emotions. In fact, I can not even remember how things feel. No sadness, no happiness. Nothing. I tried to repair that damage by getting into a new relationship. But I could not feel love either. It was like a duty to talk to my new girlfriend. And I even had some discomfort being with people or around them since my failure. I had to dump her and embrace my new self. Things are now different. Now I am invisible to emotional pain. Even physical pain is suppressible to insanely high extents. I became cruel and violent. I even have another self living within me, it has been there just after my first girlfriend left me. He always told me that love is worthless and its only for the weak. Now I am incapable of love or even hatred. Sadly in my mind I see myself killing people. Although I feel like killing and torturing people but I really bear no hate for anyone. Such images come to me instantly when I see any random human passing around. A young female or an old man, it does not matter since all I see is myself killing them. I try to let go of those images but they tend to stay. I am not who I was anymore. I am pretty broken. I am not proud of what I am. I still want to die now. But I simply do not care anymore. I feel nothing. I do not even try to see a specialist because I do not want to feel emotional pain again. I try to hide my true self to everyone, until someone pokes me. Its like opening a room on fire. I do not want to kill someone but I see it happening all time in my eyes. I wish to be back as I was but I do not want to feel pain. I am pretty lost and screwed. I am broken beyond repair. I know that none can fix me, not even my first love. I know that none can save me from myself. I believe that I am totally twisted and corrupted. But I can not escape to pain either.. I am a monster.. I wish I could die before I hurt someone. I am the shadow of my former self. Pain changes people indeed… Thanks for reading.