post session analysis

well a lively chat today. i was surprised that you had already read last nights post. and surprised that you would be offended by that surprise. seriously my cynicism has everything to do with my self loathing and not your personal or professional capabilities. my previous therapist never called me at the hut . and i know that i am just one of many that you see. i did notice by the way that you zinged me pretty good. yes i know that killing myself would leave a mess for others to clean up. both literally and figuratively. i also know that my family and friends would grieve my passing. i am not stupid you know. i have been wrestling with those facts for decades. what is different this time around is the feeling that that isn’t enough to stop me. call it cynical ambivalence. i also know that you can’t “save” me. that job rests solely with me. i really don’t know if i am up to the task. my frequent visits would seem to say otherwise.i am waiting for the insurance folks to say stop. i am guessing the edict will come more sooner than later. is that being cynical or realistic? money is always the bottom line. did i mention that any suicide attempt would need to be successful because insurance won’t pay otherwise? tell me again why i shouldn’t be suspicious of people’s motives. some of my cynicism comes from living with “captain sunshine”. he is cynical and suspicious most all of the time. it is hard not to adopt that way of thinking after 20 years of marriage. maybe ultimately what i am doing is pushing the people who love me away so that i can do this guilt free. if i exist only in this online “community” there’s that word again-my absence would only be noted in passing. easy for me as you would say. it is late i should go, i was high today. figured it would just piss you off so didn’t admit it.