We all go through pain. Whatever the cause, pain is pain. No one likes to be in pain when it comes to emotions. We all have stories, I want to share mine. I am 23, college grad recently, I’m good looking and I go to the gym.. I use too. I stopped going. I stopped doing lots of things that I use to love doing. I’ve been depressed for 3 months, 2 months before I was suffering from anxiety. I’ve never felt like a winner before in my life. Anything that I do always blows up in may face till this day no matter how positive or optimistic I was. I was scrawny, picked on and I didn’t have many friends when I was a kid. I felt alone even though I had siblings and parents that love me. I still am grateful for them. Since I was 11, I felt that it would be better if I was never born. I never attempted anything though. High school was kind of a high point in my life though. Recently, I graduated college. I should be excited and happy to be starting a new phase in my life.. that’s not the case. I never found out what I wanted to do with my life. Nothing interested me much. I have a BA in a major I don’t give a damn about. Why because, I was too busy with my head up my ass. Playing videogames, hanging out, girlfriend, you know, being young. I also was chasing a dream, but then I later realized that the dream I had being in the music biz wasn’t for me. I decided to put that behind me and as of now, I have no dreams or goals or any ambitions anymore. I fell into depression the beginning of this year over love woes, worrying about the future, worrying about finding a job in this fucked up economy, life in general. Then last week, the worst day of my life to date happened. My dog who I had since I was 12 was diagnosed with cancer and he had to be put to sleep that same day. Anyone who doesn’t really know what it is to take in a dog, cat, any animal for that matter, you are taking in not only a pet, but a new edition to the family. That was what my dog was, family. He wasn’t just a dog. Because of him, he helped me stop thinking negative as a kid and made me happy. I thank him for that. I knew he was getting old but to find out that he was suffering really broke me. He is in a better place now. But now, if anything, because that week I was really planning on bettering myself and trying to break out of this depression, his death was the final straw that broke the camels back. Looking at my life, I can say that it’s pitiful. Because I lost interest in things that I use to love doing. I stopped looking for love because I always fuck up. I don’t have the drive anymore the will to live. I’ve lost weight because of the stress. I’ve actually restored in my faith in God for a while before this depression and I decided to stop praying because he isn’t listening to my begs of mercy to show me happiness again. So I’m alone, not social, depressed, insomniac, unemployed, looser who wastes time. I’ve fallen rock bottom and I’m sinking into the sediment. I don’t have any hopes for my future if I decide to live long enough. I don’t see a bright time ahead of me. I hate life and I think I’m a misanthrope because I don’t seem to really like people. I know that I’m not normal. Everyone I know is succeeding and have goals, I dont. I don’t have anything that I am good at.. I don’t know what else to do in my life..
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4 comments
Surprisingly, I actually kind of know what you’re going through. Except I’m 14.. and a girl…. but I know exactly what it’s like to loose a best friend, and to have no ambition for life or love. I honestly don’t know what to say, because I’m horrible at comforting, but I jsut wanted to say that I know what you’re going through.
There really isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel most times. It sucks over all, but all I can say is don’t give up. Sorry, I’m not a ray of sunshine, but just hang in there. It might get better for you.
Thanks. You say your 14. As a 23 year old, I’ll tell you that you still have a long way to go. High school can be harsh but at the same time, depending on the kind of people you surround yourself with, can be good. Trust me. This is coming from a guy who had a lot of “friends” and was kind of popular. You don’t want to be my age and not have a plan. I hope the best for you too. Hang in there and don’t try to grow up too fast. Try to enjoy it now.
It sounds like you’re suffering from low testosterone levels. This can be caused by insomnia or something as simple as a vitamin deficiency. If you can fix the problem (with or without the help of modern medicine) you’ll feel a lot better.
Lack of vitamins or testosterone isn’t not the cause otherwise I would have been told when I went to the hospital for being completely numb (which was found out to be anxiety). I’m going to a psychiatrist soon, but again, I don’t see any positive for my future. If I can’t handle myself now, then whose to say what I will do in the future. I’m lucky enough to have my family but truth is, my parents aren’t going to be around forever and my siblings are going to have families of their own. That makes me a burden. I’ve had too much disappointment and failures in my life. I’ve had pain for a while. I know it’s life, but I can’t seem to fit in. I don’t even like society, this generation, the world, most people in general. I don’t believe I was intended to live happy or at all. It wasn’t meant for me. I wish I would die in my sleep.