Serotonin for the misfits

Hello, I’ve been lurking around this site for quite awhile now. Obsessively reading every post. I know I spelled serotonin in my username wrong, unfortunate really. Anyways, it’s 4:43 am where I live and I can’t sleep so I decided to post my experience with suicide attempts. I am not good with dates so it will be a unspecific measurement like a year ago or in January. I will be going into specific suicide techniques so…spoiler alert.

When I was young everything was easy for me. Sports, I was a natural, school was easy never had to try and still got high marks and making friends was easy. However, in high school courses got tougher but I never made more of an effort and my marks started slipping. By grade 11 the stress of doing poorly started to affect me and I became hesitant to go to school. Usually missing first two classes. By grade 12 I felt my depression build I no longer slept at night, I would only go for fourth period. Obviously I did not do well, however I still got my high school diploma, but I knew I wasn’t going to be accepted into university so that summer I bought 750ml of whiskey and vodka, said goodbye to parents, friends and co workers and rode my motorcycle 1400km north planning on drinking the alcohol and slitting my wrists. The night before I planned on killing myself my friend called and I kinda offhandedly confessed that I was going to kill myself. I was thinking I was so far away that no one could stop me. I hung up and went to sleep. I was awoken in the morning by police officers banging on the door demanding I open it. So then I was handcuffed and brought to a cell until a ride could be procured to the nearest hospital for assessment(small town didn’t have it’s own hospital).
So I was driven to the hospital and had to speak to a social worker. I lied and said I was just drunk and didn’t mean any of it and said I would go home. So my mom flew up and we rental a u-haul to bring my motorcycle back(it was snowing at this time-near October I think). So anyways I make it home after all.

Now, we didn’t talk about it much and I wasnt pressured to go to a psychiatrist but my mom took vacation for two weeks to watch me. I don’t even remember those two weeks really, I have never felt so depressed before. I literally slept 24 hours. Only getting up to eat and drink. Anyways, so my moms two weeks ended and she was forced to go back to work. The day she did I stole my step-fathers I insulin injector and bought some whiskey. Then that afternoon I injected two vials of insulin, one fast acting one slow acting, and drank the whiskey and tried to cut my wrists. The first wound I made was just a test but it was my deepest one. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how deep the veins are once you move away from the wrists. Then I kinda panicked and started cutting all along my arm but I was scared if severing a tendon and living. When I realized I couldn’t kill my self(insulin didn’t seem to be having an effect) I called my best friend and told him what I did meaning to ask what I should do now. Obviously in my drunken state I didn’t communicate very well and he called my parents. Before they arrived however I went to sleep and then woke up in the hospital on a restraining order and I was in the hospital for about a week.
Once again I lied saying that the pills were having an effect and I know longer felt suicidal. Then a few days after I was released I took all of what I thought was a bottle of sleeping pills but not too sure now. My mom discovered that I took them however and I was taken to the hospital again. I blacked out for a bit and when I came to I was in the mental health ward again where I stayed for about two weeks.

All this was about a year ago and the past few weeks I have genuinely felt happy since I can remember. Lately however I’ve been feeling suicidal and depressed but for now that’s my experience with depression and suicide. Thanks for any comments. Good day.