So here I am

I’ve never felt right on this earth. I’ve been depressed and made small attempts (self harm?) since primary school. I had a loving (if alcoholic and over controlling) mother who took her own life by car exhaust when I was 12. My sleep pattern got fucked, school work started slipping and I started cutting. I got close to a full attempt and chickened out at the last minute when I was 14. My dad was just really angry and refused to let me seek help. I had a grief counsellor, but I’m not sure that it helped a great deal. I quit cutting and I’ve been feeling less suicidal over the last few years, but I still research ‘exit routes’. My favoured method are exit bag or break neck hanging. I think that knowing that I can choose my time makes me want it less. Anyhoo, I’ve started cutting again, but I don’t really feel any release. I’ve weighed it up, and dying is inevitable anyway, so why wait? If I died now, a VI form place would open up. There’d be more resources and it would allow others opportunities that I may squander. but as a long time lurker, first time poster, Idk, just thought I’d share.